I want to talk for a second about fame.
I know, this really separates me from the rest of the world, but dare to be different I say.
Fame is a major turn-on, for BOTH men and women. Why?
Well, let me tell you, the reasons are ENTIRELY different. For men, fame works if the woman is famous for her BEAUTY. If she’s a famous scientist, say, that doesn’t count. She has to be a universally recognized knockout. Get together with her, and not only are you the MAN for beating out so many other comers, but you KNOW she gorgeous. That’s what made her famous.
For women, it’s the social STATUS that comes from being famous. The respect, the dominance – the fact that you can skip the lines at shows, that you get preferential treatment, that you can show her worlds that regular guys can’t – which is the turn-on. You COULD be a famous politician, ugly as sin, but because you get free tickets to the opera, hey, that’s good enough.
That would never work on a man.
These sorts of things are HARDWIRED into us. Exactly what the hunter-gatherers were doing is hard to say for sure, but take a look at monkeys.
Chimpanzees are fiercely dominant and territorial. There’s one alpha male who gets to have sex with pretty much everyone. All the other males have to stay out of his way, if they’re even allowed to HANG OUT with the group.
It’s not unusual for the alpha male to literally squeeze the testicles off of a challenger. Out of respect for the victims, I’m foregoing all ball-busting jokes here.
If you’re a female chimp, who do you think you’re going to wind up going for? The alpha, who’ll at least take care of the group, or Mr. Soon-to-be-Castrated, who even if he has sex with you and gets you pregnant, those kids’ll just be killed by the alpha when they’re born?
The nature of the chimp selects those having sex with the alpha. Eventually –with human rationalizing when you get to us – you go from HAVING to have sex with him to WANTING to.
Nice to know that we humans aren’t the only screwed-up things on the planet.
That sets the stage.
But then there’s also the bonobo monkey, a lesser-known primate that’s almost as close to us as chimps. And these guys play with different rules.
They aren’t violent, for the most part. They live in a matriarchal society, and there really ISN’T an alpha system like elsewhere in nature. Instead, female bonobo have sex in exchange for protection and provisions.
Sometimes literally bonobo are having sex with the males holding bananas in their hands, promising to hand them over once they get their rocks off.
Sound familiar?
So which way are we programmed? Both ways.
Women are turned on by dominant alpha men. It triggers their lust, from all the THOUSANDS of years that women have had sex with dominant men.
And women are also turned on by men who can provide. It triggers their nesting instinct, their need for security and protection and, um, food.
The bonobo have a problem though. When you live in a world where women want monogamy AND it’s matriarchal AND gives a rational choice to the women about sex, merely showing yourself a provider isn’t going to work often.
The bonobo have sex all the time with everyone, so it can work.
Humans, don’t, so you wind up in a courtship that lasts months or years, with a woman who can always choose another provider. You aren’t triggering her emotion, but her logic, as a bonobo male.
Plus, most women aren’t walking around hungry for a banana. If only it were that easy.
The chimp alpha system, however, isn’t logical. It’s primal. Emotional. And the underlying understanding of chimp society is women don’t have the choice.
They NEED to have sex with the alpha.
When you get to the complex level of humans, this need becomes ATTRACTION.
Alright, let’s bring it home.
If the thousands of years of evolution have conspired to make women attracted to dominant males, how to WE become that?
Aside from castrating others I mean.
Believe it or not, the process is pretty simple. And it all starts with relaxed confidence. Remaining playful because you’re comfortable in your skin. Secure in yourself.
Outside signs can be created, as well. Become friendly with doormen, get to the point where you can say “Hey Jimmy” and walk past the throngs and through the velvet rope at a few clubs.
Get to know maitre-des who can bring you in through the kitchen to a table reserved at a hot hard-to-enter restaurant.
Sound hard to do? It’s not – it just takes a little friendliness to the right people. Become friends with them, and you get the preferential treatment that says you’re an alpha.
When you’re in a group, remember that YOUR opinion is the one that matters most.
That’s where a lot of people get messed up – they think the alpha has to be the focal point, because he often is.
THAT’S not the key, though. Try too hard, and you come off as an insecure attention starved spotlight hog. The point isn’t to be the LOUDEST or to say the MOST, but to have the trend-setting opinion, which starts with believing in yourself. And NOT caring if others follow – they will, but not if they feel you forcing them.
If a scene-stealer comes in and tries to ruin your game, a simple eye roll and relocation – “Let’s go get a drink.” – is MUCH more powerful than entering into a limelight fight. It says you’re confident, in control of the situation, AND in a position of power, from which you can communicate “This is no good, let’s find something that is.” You LEAD. People will follow.
And you don’t have to maim a soul.
A LITTLE arrogance can communicate that power as well, much better than some Neanderthal brawl.
So how do you compete with the famous, and trigger the lust that their power does?
You create a circle within which YOU are a star. You get the good table and the chef comes to it and makes off-the-menu dishes. The DJ requests a request from you. And your friends reinforce the aura of importance that travels around with you.
If you’re starting from scratch, it can take awhile to build a complete circle. Once it’s there, though, women will respond to it. POWERFULLY.
There’s nothing like being popular to increase popularity.
And the little ball busting you do is of the non-violent, playful variety.
If you want more knowledge about this seemingly magical but – in reality – very doable transformation into being the personal star of your own movie, then take a look at the material at my site. You'll learn to master the little signals almost EVERYONE gives that says they DON’T believe in themselves, and help you project the confidence that stars have. Most importantly, you'll learn to deal with the inner side of the game, so the confidence you project is GENUINE.
2009年4月7日
HOW TO BREAK SOCIAL BARRIERS
You know what, on average, people are most afraid of? It's not death. It's public speaking. As Seinfeld once said, most people would rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy.
That doesn't make much sense, does it?
By now you should be getting used to humans not making much sense.
This all comes from social pressure. No one wants to look stupid. Everyone wants to be the coolest guy in the room. And when you stand up in front of people, you give yourself the chance to FAIL.
Winston Churchill once said something like "I'd rather keep my mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."
He also said "Madam, I may be drunk, but I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll still be ugly." Feel free to use that one.
Anyway, most people feel like Winston. When it comes to the fool quote, I mean. Almost everyone is so scared of doing something dumb that they end up doing nothing. When opportunity arises they flash back to a bad experience from junior high, all these negative emotions come flooding, and they freeze.
It's understandable. I mean, the emotional pain of embarrassment and - worse - rejection is very real. Most guys prefer physical discomfort to social awkwardness. So eventually you just avoid situations where things can get awkward or embarrassing or - worse - rejecting.
STOP THAT!
Time for some tough love. When you're on your death bed - should you be so lucky to have a bed - it isn't going to be the things you tried and failed that you regret.
It's the things you HAVEN'T TRIED. Always. Because you never know what might have been.
I remember once when I was a young kid - maybe 14 - on the beach and some girls walked by me and said "Hi" with these salacious smiles.
I froze.
And I REMEMBER THIS! I rue that moment. I've approached thousands of women since, and especially in the early going, I wasn't always successful. I got shot down my fair share of times.
And I don't remember them much at all. Certainly not in a painful way. At the time it might have hurt, but with practice you can learn to deal with that pretty easily.
It's like breaking through the burn in a serious exercise regimen. It sucks while it happens, but once you've made it through it doesn't seem so bad - in fact, you get to kind of enjoy it. Why? Because instead of avoiding the burn with fear, you push yourself towards it, and you get great results. You wind up feeling good, and pride comes that you pushed yourself through to the reward.
Guess what? Approaching women much like that. It is EXACTLY like that.
When you see a beautiful woman and those nerves come, that's normal. Everyone gets that. Even the best of the best still get that occasionally, and those are guys with AMAZING success rates.
EVERYONE is scared of looking like a fool, and a beautiful woman can do that to you better than most. Hence, approach anxiety.
DEAL with it.
Most men don't fail with women because of some fatal flaw in their being. It's because they never put themselves into a position where they can succeed. And when by luck they find themselves in that position they don't know what to do because they've rarely been there!
Thus, they screw it up, receive more negative feedback, and avoid such situations even MORE in the future. This is what psychologists call a negative feedback loop, and it's an ugly thing. Tough to deal with too.
So what's a guy to do?
BREAK THE LOOP.
I'm not going to lie to you. When you approach women - especially to start - you'll have some negative interactions. You'll be nervous, and although most women will be much nicer than your dark fantasies, they probably won't respond the way you want them to.
Even a nice brush-off is a brush-off, and it still stings.
Plus, there will be some women who WON'T be nice, WON'T humor your awkward attempts, and will blow you out of the water.
Ouch.
Of course, after your first good workouts, you shouldn't be able to lift your arms above your shoulders. Ouch.
The point is that you are BUILDING to something. The more practice you get, the less nervous you'll be, or at least the less nervous you'll act (which is just as important). As you gain confidence, you won't have that fear ruining everything.
The butterflies will remain, but YOU will have control of them. One day you'll get a cold response, and you'll stay so inside yourself and confident through it that you'll actually TURN the tables and have women respect and LIKE you for it.
You'll have passed a test, and you'll get great reactions. This is when you start to - wait for it - ENJOY these socially charged moments. There will come a point where you SEEK THEM OUT because you end up having POSITIVE responses. Either from the get-go or, more powerfully, when you deftly deal with a situation most men RUN from.
Break the negative loop, and you find yourself in a win-win place. That's not to say ALL women you approach will fall all over you - they have their own lives and issues to deal with - but you won't ever feel that it was YOUR fault.
If you're friendly, open, and confident, either she will open up to you or she will have a personal reason why she doesn't.
You don't have to have that naked-in-the-locker-room junior high feel.
How do you get there? Start with these exercises.
Tomorrow, go out and talk to 10 people. Any 10 - men, women, children, grandmas - just get used to TALKING with strangers. Get comfortable doing it. Talk about books in the bookstore, music in the CD shop, Columbia in Starbucks - anything, so long as you try to do it NATURALLY.
More than likely some of the people you talk to will be women, and more than likely some will be hot. Great. Treat them the SAME as everyone else. Remember, you're just practicing the natural connection with humanity, something most people can't do around strangers.
Got it? Good. Now do the same thing for 10 days. That's right, 100 people.
Just do it. Don't tell Phil Knight I said that.
At the end of those 10 days you should feel a lot more relaxed approaching strangers and conversing with them. So the NEXT 10 days you are going to talk to beautiful women.
This doesn't mean to ignore everyone else, but if you see a woman that you're attracted to, MAKE yourself talk to her. Ok, if she's at a restaurant spoon-feeding her grandparents, you're excused, but if the situation is REMOTELY acceptable, you've gotta talk to her. Period.
If you want, you can simply say "I usually get nervous talking to beautiful women, so I'm practicing talking to them in a relaxed way, staying in myself. Thanks for the help." Most of the time the response will be better than you think - she'll be flattered, and you might provoke a little nurturing instinct.
Don't stop there, of course. Try to talk for around 5 minutes without getting flustered. After 10 days, odds are you'll be pretty good. Some women might even volunteer their numbers.
But we're not finished. The NEXT 10 days you are going to go out and ask 10 women a day for their numbers, emails, even instant dates (like moving on to a coffee shop). Remember to stay relaxed and talk to them as you talked to everyone else. DO NOT change your approach - she'll know if you do. Keep cool and confident - the rest will come.
At the end of this month, you'll be a new man. A more confident man. And, likely, a man with enough numbers to keep you busy for the next month.
You'll be starting to ENJOY those social pressure moments, because you know that good connections come out of them. You'll have a positive feedback loop. You'll be ready for the next step.
Getting numbers is, after all, only the first step. There's plenty more to know if you are going to have full success and find yourself satiated at the end of the night.
That doesn't make much sense, does it?
By now you should be getting used to humans not making much sense.
This all comes from social pressure. No one wants to look stupid. Everyone wants to be the coolest guy in the room. And when you stand up in front of people, you give yourself the chance to FAIL.
Winston Churchill once said something like "I'd rather keep my mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."
He also said "Madam, I may be drunk, but I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll still be ugly." Feel free to use that one.
Anyway, most people feel like Winston. When it comes to the fool quote, I mean. Almost everyone is so scared of doing something dumb that they end up doing nothing. When opportunity arises they flash back to a bad experience from junior high, all these negative emotions come flooding, and they freeze.
It's understandable. I mean, the emotional pain of embarrassment and - worse - rejection is very real. Most guys prefer physical discomfort to social awkwardness. So eventually you just avoid situations where things can get awkward or embarrassing or - worse - rejecting.
STOP THAT!
Time for some tough love. When you're on your death bed - should you be so lucky to have a bed - it isn't going to be the things you tried and failed that you regret.
It's the things you HAVEN'T TRIED. Always. Because you never know what might have been.
I remember once when I was a young kid - maybe 14 - on the beach and some girls walked by me and said "Hi" with these salacious smiles.
I froze.
And I REMEMBER THIS! I rue that moment. I've approached thousands of women since, and especially in the early going, I wasn't always successful. I got shot down my fair share of times.
And I don't remember them much at all. Certainly not in a painful way. At the time it might have hurt, but with practice you can learn to deal with that pretty easily.
It's like breaking through the burn in a serious exercise regimen. It sucks while it happens, but once you've made it through it doesn't seem so bad - in fact, you get to kind of enjoy it. Why? Because instead of avoiding the burn with fear, you push yourself towards it, and you get great results. You wind up feeling good, and pride comes that you pushed yourself through to the reward.
Guess what? Approaching women much like that. It is EXACTLY like that.
When you see a beautiful woman and those nerves come, that's normal. Everyone gets that. Even the best of the best still get that occasionally, and those are guys with AMAZING success rates.
EVERYONE is scared of looking like a fool, and a beautiful woman can do that to you better than most. Hence, approach anxiety.
DEAL with it.
Most men don't fail with women because of some fatal flaw in their being. It's because they never put themselves into a position where they can succeed. And when by luck they find themselves in that position they don't know what to do because they've rarely been there!
Thus, they screw it up, receive more negative feedback, and avoid such situations even MORE in the future. This is what psychologists call a negative feedback loop, and it's an ugly thing. Tough to deal with too.
So what's a guy to do?
BREAK THE LOOP.
I'm not going to lie to you. When you approach women - especially to start - you'll have some negative interactions. You'll be nervous, and although most women will be much nicer than your dark fantasies, they probably won't respond the way you want them to.
Even a nice brush-off is a brush-off, and it still stings.
Plus, there will be some women who WON'T be nice, WON'T humor your awkward attempts, and will blow you out of the water.
Ouch.
Of course, after your first good workouts, you shouldn't be able to lift your arms above your shoulders. Ouch.
The point is that you are BUILDING to something. The more practice you get, the less nervous you'll be, or at least the less nervous you'll act (which is just as important). As you gain confidence, you won't have that fear ruining everything.
The butterflies will remain, but YOU will have control of them. One day you'll get a cold response, and you'll stay so inside yourself and confident through it that you'll actually TURN the tables and have women respect and LIKE you for it.
You'll have passed a test, and you'll get great reactions. This is when you start to - wait for it - ENJOY these socially charged moments. There will come a point where you SEEK THEM OUT because you end up having POSITIVE responses. Either from the get-go or, more powerfully, when you deftly deal with a situation most men RUN from.
Break the negative loop, and you find yourself in a win-win place. That's not to say ALL women you approach will fall all over you - they have their own lives and issues to deal with - but you won't ever feel that it was YOUR fault.
If you're friendly, open, and confident, either she will open up to you or she will have a personal reason why she doesn't.
You don't have to have that naked-in-the-locker-room junior high feel.
How do you get there? Start with these exercises.
Tomorrow, go out and talk to 10 people. Any 10 - men, women, children, grandmas - just get used to TALKING with strangers. Get comfortable doing it. Talk about books in the bookstore, music in the CD shop, Columbia in Starbucks - anything, so long as you try to do it NATURALLY.
More than likely some of the people you talk to will be women, and more than likely some will be hot. Great. Treat them the SAME as everyone else. Remember, you're just practicing the natural connection with humanity, something most people can't do around strangers.
Got it? Good. Now do the same thing for 10 days. That's right, 100 people.
Just do it. Don't tell Phil Knight I said that.
At the end of those 10 days you should feel a lot more relaxed approaching strangers and conversing with them. So the NEXT 10 days you are going to talk to beautiful women.
This doesn't mean to ignore everyone else, but if you see a woman that you're attracted to, MAKE yourself talk to her. Ok, if she's at a restaurant spoon-feeding her grandparents, you're excused, but if the situation is REMOTELY acceptable, you've gotta talk to her. Period.
If you want, you can simply say "I usually get nervous talking to beautiful women, so I'm practicing talking to them in a relaxed way, staying in myself. Thanks for the help." Most of the time the response will be better than you think - she'll be flattered, and you might provoke a little nurturing instinct.
Don't stop there, of course. Try to talk for around 5 minutes without getting flustered. After 10 days, odds are you'll be pretty good. Some women might even volunteer their numbers.
But we're not finished. The NEXT 10 days you are going to go out and ask 10 women a day for their numbers, emails, even instant dates (like moving on to a coffee shop). Remember to stay relaxed and talk to them as you talked to everyone else. DO NOT change your approach - she'll know if you do. Keep cool and confident - the rest will come.
At the end of this month, you'll be a new man. A more confident man. And, likely, a man with enough numbers to keep you busy for the next month.
You'll be starting to ENJOY those social pressure moments, because you know that good connections come out of them. You'll have a positive feedback loop. You'll be ready for the next step.
Getting numbers is, after all, only the first step. There's plenty more to know if you are going to have full success and find yourself satiated at the end of the night.
THE ESSENCE OF BEING COOL
There once was a man named Adam. He was a nice enough fellow - he didn't really know any better - and he had a woman, food, plenty of sex and nudity, more pets than a zoo, and lived an idyllic life.
Only one thing - he couldn't eat one particular fruit. Other than that, he could do whatever he wanted. So what'd he do?
Obviously, he ate the fruit. Thus begat a looooooong tradition in all humanity; we want what we can't have.
Psychologists have a name for this, given us by that early Adam. It's the forbidden fruit complex, and almost everyone has it to one degree or another. Women have a name for this too. It's called playing hard-to-get.
Now, some significant time later, there was another Adam. The poor guy didn't really know what he was doing with women, and he rarely had successful dates. Finally, through blind luck, he found himself in a relationship. Overnight the world changed - ladies smiled at him, some chatted him up - in general, he became this much more attractive man.
He became the forbidden fruit.
Only it's much more complex than that. Most of the women didn't know he was dating someone else. Part of it perhaps was he was happy and confident, but he'd been happy and confident alone before, without this change coming. What was going on?
The forbidden fruit is the obvious and easy little trick we can watch humanity fall for. But there is an opposite corollary; we don't want what we can have.
I know I know, we're all stupid shmucks. We deserve lonely nights for that kind of mixed-up thinking.
That doesn't make it any less true.
Theories for this abound. Some people think it's because our unconscious mind is triggered to think ourselves BETTER than those who are desperate to be with us. Some people just find it boring - where's the thrill? The chase? The get-to-know-you game?
Maybe it smacks of self-consciousness and a lack of confidence - why do you NEED me so much? What's wrong with you?
Maybe it's the insult of skin-deep lust. Hey, some women enjoy one-nighters as much as the next guy, but outside of the porn industry, few women want to be viewed as just a body. And if you want it SO BAD in such a short amount of time, well, you don't truly know her so we know what you REALLY want. Pig.
Maybe it makes no logical sense at all, and it's useless to analyze.
What we CAN do, though, is recognize it for the pattern it is, and learn from it. Just as you were turned off by that nerdy girl in high school who had the crush on you, attractive women are turned off by drooling dorks (who again are dorks BECAUSE they drool).
But now we've got a problem. If women don't like men who obviously like them, and we only want to be with women we like, who don't like us 'cause we like like them... this quickly turns into a Wonder Years nightmare scenario of hopelessness.
This paradox is probably the cause of something like 95% of the world's loneliness. It's a pity our emotional brain - the part of the mind that is responsible for attraction - is such a mess. But that's the way it is.
I guess we should all get used to it and prepare for a life of marriage to someone we settle for, not someone we want. Right?
OH GOD NOOOOOOO! Here I come to illustrate a point, and I leave my readers suicidal. Not good. Understand this is the way it USUALLY happens. It's not the way it HAS TO happen.
We've said before that attractive women assume as a matter of course that all men want them. It might not always be true - maybe not every bum sitting outside the library with an upside down hat in front of them wants your quarter - but it's true enough that it's a useful rule in her daily life.
She knows how to deal with men when she knows what they want.
So what do you need to do?
NOTHING.
You don't need to tell her how much you want her. And - more importantly, since most people don't open with "I want you" - you cannot SHOW her.
Really, this is the definition of cool.
You may think you're playing it cool and not telegraphing your intentions, but guess what - if the intentions are there, you probably are.
There are literally THOUSANDS of physical clues that set off a woman's radar. You lean in too far or approach too close, you fidget with buttons, you laugh about things that aren't funny, you awkwardly get in position for a hand-hold.
And about 2000 more.
If you were a yogini you might be able to approach a woman with her attractiveness front and center in your brain and control all the little tics that give you away as a bundle of nervous sexual energy.
Of course, if you were a yogini, you probably wouldn't be interested in this, but that's another story.
No, there is a much easier way to deal with this, to eliminate all the signs that say "I want you." The simple answer is RELAX.
The longer answer is DON'T TRY. Pretend she's your sister. Pretend she's an episode in Grand Theft Auto. Pretend she's a practice conversation for some imaginary future.
Whatever you do, DON'T think about going back to your place with her. Really, you don't need to pretend - you can simply MAKE the conversation practice.
With every woman.
From now to forever.
You just CAN'T show a girl your cards early on. It's death to attraction. It transmits all the wrong things. Sure, you might get away with it now and again, but not usually, and NEVER with extremely attractive women in high demand.
And until you realize that, you should treat all women as practice with that bit of knowledge. Because it's never going anywhere otherwise.
Once you DO realize it, you'll see that you just need to do what you've been doing, treating a lady as a practice conversation with NO aim.
Like a cat, if you try and pet her, you'll never catch up to her. But act chill around cats - even ignore them - and you'll have them crawling all over you.
This is the way of life. It is one of the most important concepts you'll ever learn when it comes to attraction and dating. Act with ulterior motives and she'll know, guaranteed, and you've lost all hope with her.
Act with no expectations and it's a fair bet she'll see a bit of the forbidden fruit in you.
THIS is what people mean when they say to just be yourself. No wonder you never got before, right? Seriously, if you can simply enjoy being YOU and living YOUR life around women without chasing them, it works. It says you are an interesting confident guy who might ENJOY being with a particular woman, but you don't NEED that woman. Powerful.
Unlike modifying your behavior around her, which smacks of insecurity and weakness.
So do what you need to do to ELIMINATE every yearning in your interactions with attractive women? Convince yourself you're too busy for her anyway. Or - better yet - too good for her. Or only talk to women within areas that have easy access to cold showers.
Whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind, do it.
Remember, she's just practice. In fact, if you TELL her that when you first start chatting - something like "I'm practicing talking with attractive women so I can become more comfortable around them." - it actually can work very well.
But dear God, go out and PRACTICE practicing. This is a simple concept, really, but hard to put into, ahem, practice. You'll probably hold your head well for a bit before a situation turns promising and you think you're in, and the magic ends. You lose it - just for a second - and you may never recover.
Only one thing - he couldn't eat one particular fruit. Other than that, he could do whatever he wanted. So what'd he do?
Obviously, he ate the fruit. Thus begat a looooooong tradition in all humanity; we want what we can't have.
Psychologists have a name for this, given us by that early Adam. It's the forbidden fruit complex, and almost everyone has it to one degree or another. Women have a name for this too. It's called playing hard-to-get.
Now, some significant time later, there was another Adam. The poor guy didn't really know what he was doing with women, and he rarely had successful dates. Finally, through blind luck, he found himself in a relationship. Overnight the world changed - ladies smiled at him, some chatted him up - in general, he became this much more attractive man.
He became the forbidden fruit.
Only it's much more complex than that. Most of the women didn't know he was dating someone else. Part of it perhaps was he was happy and confident, but he'd been happy and confident alone before, without this change coming. What was going on?
The forbidden fruit is the obvious and easy little trick we can watch humanity fall for. But there is an opposite corollary; we don't want what we can have.
I know I know, we're all stupid shmucks. We deserve lonely nights for that kind of mixed-up thinking.
That doesn't make it any less true.
Theories for this abound. Some people think it's because our unconscious mind is triggered to think ourselves BETTER than those who are desperate to be with us. Some people just find it boring - where's the thrill? The chase? The get-to-know-you game?
Maybe it smacks of self-consciousness and a lack of confidence - why do you NEED me so much? What's wrong with you?
Maybe it's the insult of skin-deep lust. Hey, some women enjoy one-nighters as much as the next guy, but outside of the porn industry, few women want to be viewed as just a body. And if you want it SO BAD in such a short amount of time, well, you don't truly know her so we know what you REALLY want. Pig.
Maybe it makes no logical sense at all, and it's useless to analyze.
What we CAN do, though, is recognize it for the pattern it is, and learn from it. Just as you were turned off by that nerdy girl in high school who had the crush on you, attractive women are turned off by drooling dorks (who again are dorks BECAUSE they drool).
But now we've got a problem. If women don't like men who obviously like them, and we only want to be with women we like, who don't like us 'cause we like like them... this quickly turns into a Wonder Years nightmare scenario of hopelessness.
This paradox is probably the cause of something like 95% of the world's loneliness. It's a pity our emotional brain - the part of the mind that is responsible for attraction - is such a mess. But that's the way it is.
I guess we should all get used to it and prepare for a life of marriage to someone we settle for, not someone we want. Right?
OH GOD NOOOOOOO! Here I come to illustrate a point, and I leave my readers suicidal. Not good. Understand this is the way it USUALLY happens. It's not the way it HAS TO happen.
We've said before that attractive women assume as a matter of course that all men want them. It might not always be true - maybe not every bum sitting outside the library with an upside down hat in front of them wants your quarter - but it's true enough that it's a useful rule in her daily life.
She knows how to deal with men when she knows what they want.
So what do you need to do?
NOTHING.
You don't need to tell her how much you want her. And - more importantly, since most people don't open with "I want you" - you cannot SHOW her.
Really, this is the definition of cool.
You may think you're playing it cool and not telegraphing your intentions, but guess what - if the intentions are there, you probably are.
There are literally THOUSANDS of physical clues that set off a woman's radar. You lean in too far or approach too close, you fidget with buttons, you laugh about things that aren't funny, you awkwardly get in position for a hand-hold.
And about 2000 more.
If you were a yogini you might be able to approach a woman with her attractiveness front and center in your brain and control all the little tics that give you away as a bundle of nervous sexual energy.
Of course, if you were a yogini, you probably wouldn't be interested in this, but that's another story.
No, there is a much easier way to deal with this, to eliminate all the signs that say "I want you." The simple answer is RELAX.
The longer answer is DON'T TRY. Pretend she's your sister. Pretend she's an episode in Grand Theft Auto. Pretend she's a practice conversation for some imaginary future.
Whatever you do, DON'T think about going back to your place with her. Really, you don't need to pretend - you can simply MAKE the conversation practice.
With every woman.
From now to forever.
You just CAN'T show a girl your cards early on. It's death to attraction. It transmits all the wrong things. Sure, you might get away with it now and again, but not usually, and NEVER with extremely attractive women in high demand.
And until you realize that, you should treat all women as practice with that bit of knowledge. Because it's never going anywhere otherwise.
Once you DO realize it, you'll see that you just need to do what you've been doing, treating a lady as a practice conversation with NO aim.
Like a cat, if you try and pet her, you'll never catch up to her. But act chill around cats - even ignore them - and you'll have them crawling all over you.
This is the way of life. It is one of the most important concepts you'll ever learn when it comes to attraction and dating. Act with ulterior motives and she'll know, guaranteed, and you've lost all hope with her.
Act with no expectations and it's a fair bet she'll see a bit of the forbidden fruit in you.
THIS is what people mean when they say to just be yourself. No wonder you never got before, right? Seriously, if you can simply enjoy being YOU and living YOUR life around women without chasing them, it works. It says you are an interesting confident guy who might ENJOY being with a particular woman, but you don't NEED that woman. Powerful.
Unlike modifying your behavior around her, which smacks of insecurity and weakness.
So do what you need to do to ELIMINATE every yearning in your interactions with attractive women? Convince yourself you're too busy for her anyway. Or - better yet - too good for her. Or only talk to women within areas that have easy access to cold showers.
Whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind, do it.
Remember, she's just practice. In fact, if you TELL her that when you first start chatting - something like "I'm practicing talking with attractive women so I can become more comfortable around them." - it actually can work very well.
But dear God, go out and PRACTICE practicing. This is a simple concept, really, but hard to put into, ahem, practice. You'll probably hold your head well for a bit before a situation turns promising and you think you're in, and the magic ends. You lose it - just for a second - and you may never recover.
WAKE UP!
Have you ever met the ice queen? The closer? The Top Gun foxy lady who seems like she could shoot down any and all comers - and generally does so before things get so far as 'hi?'
Me neither.
You can learn a lot from these women. They are generally beautiful, very sharp, very confident. Chances are they are successful in their chosen field. Chances are most men wet their pants in a combination of desire and fear just being near one.
Chances are also great that, if you can get past the initial frost, you'll find a COMPLETELY different person underneath.
As a matter of fact, I'm giving you an assignment. Next time you see one, go up to her and say this: "Excuse me, I don't want to bother you, but I know you are a warmer and sensitive person underneath your harsh exterior. I'm not trying to pick you up, but I'm trying to learn; why do you present this face to the world when you have a much friendlier one?"
If you can do that, congratulations. You already are gutsier than 99% of the men out there, and that kind of gumption will eventually be rewarded.
Just probably not this time. That's alright. This is a LEARNING mission - and you'll do better if you consider MOST of your interactions with ladies the same way. It takes away the hard sell. It tends to relax women.
Oh, there's a chance you'll run into a lady who simply is a born bitch, in which case look out. More likely she'll quickly size you up, and decide whether she wants to talk or not.
If the initial gambit is enough to get past her guard, you'll learn some interesting things. She'll likely complain about men ALWAYS PESTERING her, ANNOYING her, and generally getting in her way.
She just wants to live her life, but it keeps getting interrupted by these ANNOYING guys who say things like "Gosh you're beautiful" and expect a date and more in return.
So she developed a technique. She put on the ice mask, and most men get intimidated and turn heel. If she feels an uncomfortable stare, one glare can reduce a man to shoe study. Sure, sometimes it gets lonely, but she has a close group of friends who made it through her guard either because they were bold, exceptional, both, or caught her at the right time.
You know what, I'm probably not telling you anything you haven't thought about yourself. But getting it from the horse's mouth, if you can pull it off, has a special quality.
Something you might NOT know, though, is that ALL beautiful women have the same guard up. They all dislike being annoyed by men, although many don't go to the extreme of trying to shut out the world.
She might smile and laugh little patronizing laughs and SEEM open, but if you aren't penetrating her skin and creating ATTRACTION, she's just being polite. It's not going anywhere.
At least the ice queens are honest about that.
When women are approached by men and they find it annoying, yes, some of that comes from being genuinely annoyed. But MOST of it comes from BOREDOM.
They've been approached by hundreds of guys the past MONTH and most of them say the same safe things over and over. "You're stunning." "Can I buy you a drink?" "I'd like to take you out." "Is your father a thief?"
It's flattering at first, and does continue to be in a way. But it gets OLD in a hurry. So ALL women - even those less than gorgeous - come up with a system for disqualifying guys from the mate category in a hurry.
Some just try to cut all contact to a minimum. The ice queen.
Some nod and smile appropriately while thinking about what they'll wear tomorrow, waiting for the right moment to extricate themselves. The polite send-off.
Some play a game with men, enjoy using them for whatever they can get, with no intention of getting romantic. The player. Or tease.
Some actually try to stay engaged with everyone. They invariably go insane, as anyone would.
There are plenty of other types of beauties as well, but they ALL have a guard to protect them from the swarms of horny boring men that plague them.
Why am I telling you this? It's not to get you scared of all beautiful women, although that might be a natural reaction.
I'm telling you this because there IS a way to never deal with the guard, to bypass it or bring it down before it really ever revs up.
There is a way to get noticed.
Think back to our hypothetical conversation with the ice queen. What is that she hates? The ANNOYANCE of intrusions by BORING men that waste her time.
Simple then isn't it? DON'T BE BORING.
There are thousands of ways to not be boring. You can challenge her, make her laugh, delve into psychological truths that she doesn't know she transmits... anything.
The KEY is not to say things she hears EVERY DAY.
Better yet, if you can tell her something she's NEVER heard, you'll get her attention.
Remember the opener we talked about for getting an ice queen to open up? The surprise and jolt she'll get from that approach will often be enough to get her talking to you. And she WOULDN'T talk to you if she didn't find you in some way INTERESTING.
Interest and attraction are brothers of one another. They are drinking buddies. They are inseparable. Sure, you might occasionally see one without the other, but it's the exception.
Say that you've got an ice queen opening up a little bit. You then say something like "I know it can be very lonely being a beautiful woman, having to shut yourself off, protect yourself." She MIGHT get defensive. More likely you'll discover a COMPLETELY different woman. One who just melted. One who is ready to SEE you.
That's what I said. So often a man gets discouraged because he feels a woman rejected him, but she never actually SAW him. He never said anything to distinguish himself from all the other men a 10 has had to deal with over the years, so he's nothing but a category. He's an attempt, a pick-up style, a CLICHE.
If you can grab her attention early, you can separate yourself from that pack. THEN, if you can be funny, confident, relaxed trigger her attraction in more conventional ways, well, you just might have a relationship with a model on your hands.
There is no such thing as a woman that's out of your league, or at least there doesn't have to be. It's men's limiting belief in the myth of leagues that creates the reality, as they get uptight, insecure, and play it SAFE whenever they work up the nerve to approach a knockout.
In other words, they get themselves so worried about shooting high, they shoot themselves in the foot. That's why when you were younger - and maybe even now - it's always the women you aren't attracted to that are most attracted to you. You aren't playing for them, and you probably aren't playing it safe - you're being INTERESTING.
Not every Lyle Lovett will marry a Julia Roberts, but PLENTY of AMAZING women date men that, from photos or brief encounters, aren't particularly impressive.
Don't see that as frustrating. See it as inspirational.
For most women, it doesn't MATTER that much what you look like, what your job is, or all the other qualifications our conscious mind uses to construct an ideal mate.
What MATTERS is if you trigger attraction in her limbic brain. And the only thing that can really stop you is if YOU cement a woman's guard by being BORING.
Boring is worse than insulting. Not that I suggest it, but you can dig yourself out of a hole created by being insulting. All it takes is some well-placed humor.
But there is no recovery from boring. You won't get the hottest girl. You won't get many at all. You might get the mousy librarian, but she's likely too imaginative for a snorer.
If you can be INTERESTING, though - that means NOT playing it safe, NOT tiptoeing around women, but letting your WIT FLY - then that whole 'league' myth disappears. You're in the big leagues now. There are none higher.
Of course you might be worried that you AREN'T very interesting, or aren't particularly witty or funny. DON'T.
EVERYONE is interesting if in the right context - you just need to learn how to create your context. Humor, contrary to popular belief, can be learned (that's why little kids aren't usually very funny, at least in a laugh WITH way). Wit can start out as nothing more than good preparation.
If you want to learn how to be the intriguing gentleman that all the ladies want to know more about, you can spend years of trial and error. Or you can go on a month-long expedition to mount K-2 and figure out how to weave a good tale out of your experiences.
Me neither.
You can learn a lot from these women. They are generally beautiful, very sharp, very confident. Chances are they are successful in their chosen field. Chances are most men wet their pants in a combination of desire and fear just being near one.
Chances are also great that, if you can get past the initial frost, you'll find a COMPLETELY different person underneath.
As a matter of fact, I'm giving you an assignment. Next time you see one, go up to her and say this: "Excuse me, I don't want to bother you, but I know you are a warmer and sensitive person underneath your harsh exterior. I'm not trying to pick you up, but I'm trying to learn; why do you present this face to the world when you have a much friendlier one?"
If you can do that, congratulations. You already are gutsier than 99% of the men out there, and that kind of gumption will eventually be rewarded.
Just probably not this time. That's alright. This is a LEARNING mission - and you'll do better if you consider MOST of your interactions with ladies the same way. It takes away the hard sell. It tends to relax women.
Oh, there's a chance you'll run into a lady who simply is a born bitch, in which case look out. More likely she'll quickly size you up, and decide whether she wants to talk or not.
If the initial gambit is enough to get past her guard, you'll learn some interesting things. She'll likely complain about men ALWAYS PESTERING her, ANNOYING her, and generally getting in her way.
She just wants to live her life, but it keeps getting interrupted by these ANNOYING guys who say things like "Gosh you're beautiful" and expect a date and more in return.
So she developed a technique. She put on the ice mask, and most men get intimidated and turn heel. If she feels an uncomfortable stare, one glare can reduce a man to shoe study. Sure, sometimes it gets lonely, but she has a close group of friends who made it through her guard either because they were bold, exceptional, both, or caught her at the right time.
You know what, I'm probably not telling you anything you haven't thought about yourself. But getting it from the horse's mouth, if you can pull it off, has a special quality.
Something you might NOT know, though, is that ALL beautiful women have the same guard up. They all dislike being annoyed by men, although many don't go to the extreme of trying to shut out the world.
She might smile and laugh little patronizing laughs and SEEM open, but if you aren't penetrating her skin and creating ATTRACTION, she's just being polite. It's not going anywhere.
At least the ice queens are honest about that.
When women are approached by men and they find it annoying, yes, some of that comes from being genuinely annoyed. But MOST of it comes from BOREDOM.
They've been approached by hundreds of guys the past MONTH and most of them say the same safe things over and over. "You're stunning." "Can I buy you a drink?" "I'd like to take you out." "Is your father a thief?"
It's flattering at first, and does continue to be in a way. But it gets OLD in a hurry. So ALL women - even those less than gorgeous - come up with a system for disqualifying guys from the mate category in a hurry.
Some just try to cut all contact to a minimum. The ice queen.
Some nod and smile appropriately while thinking about what they'll wear tomorrow, waiting for the right moment to extricate themselves. The polite send-off.
Some play a game with men, enjoy using them for whatever they can get, with no intention of getting romantic. The player. Or tease.
Some actually try to stay engaged with everyone. They invariably go insane, as anyone would.
There are plenty of other types of beauties as well, but they ALL have a guard to protect them from the swarms of horny boring men that plague them.
Why am I telling you this? It's not to get you scared of all beautiful women, although that might be a natural reaction.
I'm telling you this because there IS a way to never deal with the guard, to bypass it or bring it down before it really ever revs up.
There is a way to get noticed.
Think back to our hypothetical conversation with the ice queen. What is that she hates? The ANNOYANCE of intrusions by BORING men that waste her time.
Simple then isn't it? DON'T BE BORING.
There are thousands of ways to not be boring. You can challenge her, make her laugh, delve into psychological truths that she doesn't know she transmits... anything.
The KEY is not to say things she hears EVERY DAY.
Better yet, if you can tell her something she's NEVER heard, you'll get her attention.
Remember the opener we talked about for getting an ice queen to open up? The surprise and jolt she'll get from that approach will often be enough to get her talking to you. And she WOULDN'T talk to you if she didn't find you in some way INTERESTING.
Interest and attraction are brothers of one another. They are drinking buddies. They are inseparable. Sure, you might occasionally see one without the other, but it's the exception.
Say that you've got an ice queen opening up a little bit. You then say something like "I know it can be very lonely being a beautiful woman, having to shut yourself off, protect yourself." She MIGHT get defensive. More likely you'll discover a COMPLETELY different woman. One who just melted. One who is ready to SEE you.
That's what I said. So often a man gets discouraged because he feels a woman rejected him, but she never actually SAW him. He never said anything to distinguish himself from all the other men a 10 has had to deal with over the years, so he's nothing but a category. He's an attempt, a pick-up style, a CLICHE.
If you can grab her attention early, you can separate yourself from that pack. THEN, if you can be funny, confident, relaxed trigger her attraction in more conventional ways, well, you just might have a relationship with a model on your hands.
There is no such thing as a woman that's out of your league, or at least there doesn't have to be. It's men's limiting belief in the myth of leagues that creates the reality, as they get uptight, insecure, and play it SAFE whenever they work up the nerve to approach a knockout.
In other words, they get themselves so worried about shooting high, they shoot themselves in the foot. That's why when you were younger - and maybe even now - it's always the women you aren't attracted to that are most attracted to you. You aren't playing for them, and you probably aren't playing it safe - you're being INTERESTING.
Not every Lyle Lovett will marry a Julia Roberts, but PLENTY of AMAZING women date men that, from photos or brief encounters, aren't particularly impressive.
Don't see that as frustrating. See it as inspirational.
For most women, it doesn't MATTER that much what you look like, what your job is, or all the other qualifications our conscious mind uses to construct an ideal mate.
What MATTERS is if you trigger attraction in her limbic brain. And the only thing that can really stop you is if YOU cement a woman's guard by being BORING.
Boring is worse than insulting. Not that I suggest it, but you can dig yourself out of a hole created by being insulting. All it takes is some well-placed humor.
But there is no recovery from boring. You won't get the hottest girl. You won't get many at all. You might get the mousy librarian, but she's likely too imaginative for a snorer.
If you can be INTERESTING, though - that means NOT playing it safe, NOT tiptoeing around women, but letting your WIT FLY - then that whole 'league' myth disappears. You're in the big leagues now. There are none higher.
Of course you might be worried that you AREN'T very interesting, or aren't particularly witty or funny. DON'T.
EVERYONE is interesting if in the right context - you just need to learn how to create your context. Humor, contrary to popular belief, can be learned (that's why little kids aren't usually very funny, at least in a laugh WITH way). Wit can start out as nothing more than good preparation.
If you want to learn how to be the intriguing gentleman that all the ladies want to know more about, you can spend years of trial and error. Or you can go on a month-long expedition to mount K-2 and figure out how to weave a good tale out of your experiences.
HOW TO BE LEADER OF WOMEN RATHER THEN LETTING THEM LEAD YOU
Every woman will test their man for a certain trait. And that trait is dominance, the ability to be a leader. Particularly when you’re setting the rules of the relationship, your woman will test you fiercely.
She’ll test if your words are more than just empty stands, but that you mean them with action and discipline.
She’ll test if she can get away with her bad behavior if she pleas and pouts.
She’ll test if you’re a strong man who won’t just kiss her ass and always look for her permission.
A test is her challenge to you because she wants to feel your strength, your manhood, and your dominance. And generally, the more beautiful and feminine a woman you have, the more numerous and difficult her tests will be.
For instance, if your woman chronically arrives late to meet with you or doesn’t arrive at all, and you let her treat you that way with a lack of respect, she’ll quickly realize that she can do whatever she wants with you and get away with it.
Or if your woman is asking all the time for outlandish favors and gifts, she’s testing to find out if you’re ready to do anything for her at her beck and command.
If your woman gives you orders in a direct or impolite way, she finds out if you’re the kind of man who will let her treat you badly and to the extent that she can direct you.
If she speaks in a meandering way for hours about something that could be dealt with in a few minutes, she’s testing to find out if you’re man enough to interrupt her and tell her what to do.
If she uses dramatic emotions in her speech, mood changes, and sudden emotional wings, it’s to train you to get used to every whim of hers.
The basic meaning of all of these tests is, if you don’t stand up for yourself, or if you don’t take control and lead the situation, you are not a dominant man.
Tests are all about your male dominance.
And if you can’t lead a woman in real life, how are you going to be man enough to ruthlessly lead her through explicit fantasies during Blissnosis?
Now, this testing is not a conscious process of hers. If it’s happened to you before, your woman’s not being malicious.
It’s just her unconscious way to determine if she’s with a real, sexual, dominant man - or a wimp.
And she wouldn’t even bother testing you unless she saw at least some value in you. After all, if the woman wasn’t serious about having a sexual relationship with you, she wouldn’t even bother testing you in the first place.
So you HAVE to see tests for what they are – opportunities.
EVERY woman you’re ever in a relationship with is going to test you, at least on occasion.
A test is a golden opportunity to set the tone and frame of the relationship and establish your alpha masculinity in the eyes of your woman.
After all, she’s HOPING that you’ll pass. She’s HOPING that you don’t put up with her antics and establish yourself as the kind of dominant man that women want, including her. She’s HOPING that you’re not like all the other average guys out there who immediately bend to being whipped.
So you want to LOOK FORWARD to tests.
But if don’t react quickly to the lack of respect and handle the test correctly, you kill her sexual desire toward you.
For example, if she blames you for something that you didn’t do and you try to defend yourself, you’re already buying into her frame, the frame that she can pick on you for something trivial out of her imagination.
If she tests you and you try to smooth things over by giving her a backrub, or talking about “feelings”, now you’re rewarding her. For example, if she’s moody and impolite, don’t make her hot chocolate to calm her down. Rewarding a woman in the face of a test makes her lose respect for you as a man.
Neither do you want to become upset or angry in the face of a test. Part of the purpose of a test is to determine if you give too much importance to what she says and let her antics control your inner state. For example, if you call her out on her behavior and you’re upset and angry, you come across as week, out of control, and placing too much importance on it. Or if your woman, say, doesn’t return your call, getting upset that she didn’t call you back only makes you look needy.
And even if you calmly point out to your woman her behavior, she may feel attacked and want to fight back, even if on one level she knows that her behavior is bad. Some women may even start to feel self-righteous about their bad behavior in the face of an accusation.
The answer is that no test deserves a serious answer. After all, as soon as you give a serious answer or response, whether it’s in getting upset, or saying “don’t be mad”, or trying to make her feel better, you’ve surrendered your frame and you’re buying into hers. As soon as you let your inner state get out of whack, you’ve already lost the match and failed the test.
The answer to tests is not to give the woman a “serious” answer. You must keep yourself, relaxed and playful, almost as if you were playing a game.
For example, if a woman tells you in an impolite manner to get her something to drink, you could tell her, “Hey… sure, I’ll get you a drink…” and then pick her up and lift her off the ground, spin her around, tickle her, and/or play wrestle her to the ground. Instead of getting her the drink, physically dominate her. Being physically dominant lightens the mood and established whose boss. And then you can tell her to ask you again, and if she asks nicely this time with kisses you’ll get her a drink. In this way you don’t accept her frame and assume the leadership in the situation.
You can also reframe and dominate the woman physically sexually.
For example, if your woman makes a wild accusation based on virtually no evidence like telling you, “What is this number on your cell phone that you called? Is this another woman? Are you cheating on me?” Don’t take the test seriously, but tell her, “Yeah, I’m cheating on you with two girls in fact. Both girls with big asses like yours.” Then squeeze her butt and put your hand down her pants and start fingering her and talking dirty.
Here’s the basic formula for dealing with a test.
First, reject her frame where she assumes that you’ll give her a serious answer.
Second, playfully create your own frame where you assume leadership and dominate.
The key to passing tests is always the same: ignore the frame of the test, show her that it doesn’t worry or bother you. Playfully reframe the test and physically dominate your woman. This instantly lets her know who is the alpha male and who is the prize.
So don’t cave in or fall for her tests. If you do, your woman will lose respect for you and sexual attraction is killed. But once she realizes that her games and bull won’t affect you, that you’re a physically and sexually dominate male, that you assume a role of leadership, and that your happiness and inner state isn’t dependent on her mood swings, she’ll finally feel inside of her, “Thank God I have a REAL man!”
And with time, you’ll come to enjoy tests as you come to see them as opportunities to build respect in your woman’s eyes. And with time, your woman will test you less and less as she comes to understand at a deep level your sexual dominance in the relationship.
She’ll test if your words are more than just empty stands, but that you mean them with action and discipline.
She’ll test if she can get away with her bad behavior if she pleas and pouts.
She’ll test if you’re a strong man who won’t just kiss her ass and always look for her permission.
A test is her challenge to you because she wants to feel your strength, your manhood, and your dominance. And generally, the more beautiful and feminine a woman you have, the more numerous and difficult her tests will be.
For instance, if your woman chronically arrives late to meet with you or doesn’t arrive at all, and you let her treat you that way with a lack of respect, she’ll quickly realize that she can do whatever she wants with you and get away with it.
Or if your woman is asking all the time for outlandish favors and gifts, she’s testing to find out if you’re ready to do anything for her at her beck and command.
If your woman gives you orders in a direct or impolite way, she finds out if you’re the kind of man who will let her treat you badly and to the extent that she can direct you.
If she speaks in a meandering way for hours about something that could be dealt with in a few minutes, she’s testing to find out if you’re man enough to interrupt her and tell her what to do.
If she uses dramatic emotions in her speech, mood changes, and sudden emotional wings, it’s to train you to get used to every whim of hers.
The basic meaning of all of these tests is, if you don’t stand up for yourself, or if you don’t take control and lead the situation, you are not a dominant man.
Tests are all about your male dominance.
And if you can’t lead a woman in real life, how are you going to be man enough to ruthlessly lead her through explicit fantasies during Blissnosis?
Now, this testing is not a conscious process of hers. If it’s happened to you before, your woman’s not being malicious.
It’s just her unconscious way to determine if she’s with a real, sexual, dominant man - or a wimp.
And she wouldn’t even bother testing you unless she saw at least some value in you. After all, if the woman wasn’t serious about having a sexual relationship with you, she wouldn’t even bother testing you in the first place.
So you HAVE to see tests for what they are – opportunities.
EVERY woman you’re ever in a relationship with is going to test you, at least on occasion.
A test is a golden opportunity to set the tone and frame of the relationship and establish your alpha masculinity in the eyes of your woman.
After all, she’s HOPING that you’ll pass. She’s HOPING that you don’t put up with her antics and establish yourself as the kind of dominant man that women want, including her. She’s HOPING that you’re not like all the other average guys out there who immediately bend to being whipped.
So you want to LOOK FORWARD to tests.
But if don’t react quickly to the lack of respect and handle the test correctly, you kill her sexual desire toward you.
For example, if she blames you for something that you didn’t do and you try to defend yourself, you’re already buying into her frame, the frame that she can pick on you for something trivial out of her imagination.
If she tests you and you try to smooth things over by giving her a backrub, or talking about “feelings”, now you’re rewarding her. For example, if she’s moody and impolite, don’t make her hot chocolate to calm her down. Rewarding a woman in the face of a test makes her lose respect for you as a man.
Neither do you want to become upset or angry in the face of a test. Part of the purpose of a test is to determine if you give too much importance to what she says and let her antics control your inner state. For example, if you call her out on her behavior and you’re upset and angry, you come across as week, out of control, and placing too much importance on it. Or if your woman, say, doesn’t return your call, getting upset that she didn’t call you back only makes you look needy.
And even if you calmly point out to your woman her behavior, she may feel attacked and want to fight back, even if on one level she knows that her behavior is bad. Some women may even start to feel self-righteous about their bad behavior in the face of an accusation.
The answer is that no test deserves a serious answer. After all, as soon as you give a serious answer or response, whether it’s in getting upset, or saying “don’t be mad”, or trying to make her feel better, you’ve surrendered your frame and you’re buying into hers. As soon as you let your inner state get out of whack, you’ve already lost the match and failed the test.
The answer to tests is not to give the woman a “serious” answer. You must keep yourself, relaxed and playful, almost as if you were playing a game.
For example, if a woman tells you in an impolite manner to get her something to drink, you could tell her, “Hey… sure, I’ll get you a drink…” and then pick her up and lift her off the ground, spin her around, tickle her, and/or play wrestle her to the ground. Instead of getting her the drink, physically dominate her. Being physically dominant lightens the mood and established whose boss. And then you can tell her to ask you again, and if she asks nicely this time with kisses you’ll get her a drink. In this way you don’t accept her frame and assume the leadership in the situation.
You can also reframe and dominate the woman physically sexually.
For example, if your woman makes a wild accusation based on virtually no evidence like telling you, “What is this number on your cell phone that you called? Is this another woman? Are you cheating on me?” Don’t take the test seriously, but tell her, “Yeah, I’m cheating on you with two girls in fact. Both girls with big asses like yours.” Then squeeze her butt and put your hand down her pants and start fingering her and talking dirty.
Here’s the basic formula for dealing with a test.
First, reject her frame where she assumes that you’ll give her a serious answer.
Second, playfully create your own frame where you assume leadership and dominate.
The key to passing tests is always the same: ignore the frame of the test, show her that it doesn’t worry or bother you. Playfully reframe the test and physically dominate your woman. This instantly lets her know who is the alpha male and who is the prize.
So don’t cave in or fall for her tests. If you do, your woman will lose respect for you and sexual attraction is killed. But once she realizes that her games and bull won’t affect you, that you’re a physically and sexually dominate male, that you assume a role of leadership, and that your happiness and inner state isn’t dependent on her mood swings, she’ll finally feel inside of her, “Thank God I have a REAL man!”
And with time, you’ll come to enjoy tests as you come to see them as opportunities to build respect in your woman’s eyes. And with time, your woman will test you less and less as she comes to understand at a deep level your sexual dominance in the relationship.
INCREASE YOUR WOMAN'S SOCIAL VALUE FOR A TIGER IN THE BEDROOM
Women get their social-sexual value largely from their physical looks. Dressing your woman up in high heels, a short skirt, a push-up bra, and having her hair and nails done when she goes to the mall with you, walks down the street, or you go on a night out together, increases her social-sexual value. Making your woman hit the gym and hiring a fitness trainer for her will also increase her social value as her legs firm up and her stomach gets tight.
In fact, you can often take a girl with a social-sexual value of say, 7, and with some hair highlights, makeup, an attractive dress, high heels, colored contacts, and the like, transform her into an 8 or even a 9.
Of course, most men take absolutely no action to increase their partner’s social-sexual value.
Most men don’t encourage their woman to wear makeup, most men don’t go shopping with their woman for sexy clothes or shoes, most men don’t suggest to their woman to get their her hair or nails done, and most men have little interest in having their woman go to the gym.
These men typically seek women of high social-sexual value through fantasy, adult films, strip clubs, or eyeing other women.
At the same time, they’re insecure about having their own partner be a woman of high social-sexual value.
In other words, if their own woman was peacocked, wearing heels, a sexy dress, makeup, her hair done, colored contacts - they would start to feel jealous or uncomfortable.
And if this resulted in other men taking active interest in his woman – attempting to flirt or show sexual interest toward her – or even eyeing her as she walks by – they’d feel even more jealous, uncomfortable, or insecure.
These same men fantasize about sexual fantasy women who dress sexy and are outwardly sexual – but of course, his own woman isn’t like that – she’s a sweet “Madonna”.
And if his woman’s social-sexual value rises, well then that’s a threat, because if she’s attractive to other men, he might have some competition or might not feel worthy of a high value woman.
Most guys however aren’t even conscious of their insecurity. We’ve all seen when men who don’t let their wives dress up. But most guys hold their woman’s social-sexual value back in a more passive way.
For instance, the man allows his woman to eat anything she wants and doesn’t make her do any sort of exercise.
Or, he simply doesn’t take her out so that she has no reason to ever display herself sexually.
Or he tells her that buying clothes or makeup is a waste of money.
Many guys will even lower their own social-sexual value to lower their woman’s. They start dressing down themselves, don’t take the time to groom themselves, or get fat. And in an attempt to match the social-sexual value of her man, the woman follows his habits.
In fact a lot of relationships follow this progression – during courtship, the woman dresses sexy and stays fit and in physical shape. As the relationship progresses however, the man passively allows her to get out of shape, doesn’t take her out to social events, and doesn’t encourage her to wear sexy clothes.
And pretty soon, the man loses interest in his woman sexually. At the same time, when the woman doesn’t look sexy on the exterior, she doesn’t feel sexy on the interior. She no longer feels like a sexual woman. Rather, she starts to feel like an old woman. She wants passionate, rip-the-sheets sex, but she feels undesirable and inhibited. A woman dressed down and eating bon-bons isn’t going to be enthusiastic to striptease for her man or act out wild sexual fantasies.
On the other hand, a woman enthusiastically encouraged by her man to show off her sexuality outwardly to the world will be enthusiastically eager to reveal her inward sexuality to him.
A woman who looks sexy on the outside is going to feel sexy on the inside and is going to want to BE sexy in the bedroom and be highly suggestible to your commands while she’s in a Blissnotic state.
That means having your woman wear high-heels when she goes out, encouraging her to wear makeup, encouraging her to get her hair and nails done, getting her a belly ring, and going to specialty stores and finding sexy clothes for her.
This also means working with your woman on a proper nutritional program and exercise, having her do cardio in the morning before she eats and a basic weight training program. Even if your woman doesn’t exercise now, she’ll feel enthusiastic about it if you yourself take active interest in her health and appearance.
In addition, taking salsa classes or swing dancing classes with your woman and going out once a week in public to dance where she can display her body, her clothes, her style, and her moves, will make her feel attractive and drive her to follow through on the new changes.
But the philosophy I really encourage is one of MUTUAL social-sexual value escalation.
In other words, recruit your woman to help YOU with your clothes, your grooming, your body language, your posture, and your physical fitness. A man well dressed and well groomed has a higher social-sexual value than a guy wearing a stained t-shirt and flip-flops. A man who stands straight and tall with a flat stomach and has some muscle on his arms is going to have a higher social-sexual value than a guy who doesn’t take care of himself. And if you ask your woman to actively help YOU, she’ll be more receptive to the suggestions that you give her. Ideally, you want to be working mutually TOGETHER with your woman and encouraging each other, yet recognizing that you won’t always be equal in social value, but sticking with each other through the journey.
And when your woman is peacocked outside the bedroom, you’ll be able to easily peacock her INSIDE the bedroom, with sexy lingerie, stilettos, and sex toys and lead her through all the juicy fantasies you can think of.
In fact, you can often take a girl with a social-sexual value of say, 7, and with some hair highlights, makeup, an attractive dress, high heels, colored contacts, and the like, transform her into an 8 or even a 9.
Of course, most men take absolutely no action to increase their partner’s social-sexual value.
Most men don’t encourage their woman to wear makeup, most men don’t go shopping with their woman for sexy clothes or shoes, most men don’t suggest to their woman to get their her hair or nails done, and most men have little interest in having their woman go to the gym.
These men typically seek women of high social-sexual value through fantasy, adult films, strip clubs, or eyeing other women.
At the same time, they’re insecure about having their own partner be a woman of high social-sexual value.
In other words, if their own woman was peacocked, wearing heels, a sexy dress, makeup, her hair done, colored contacts - they would start to feel jealous or uncomfortable.
And if this resulted in other men taking active interest in his woman – attempting to flirt or show sexual interest toward her – or even eyeing her as she walks by – they’d feel even more jealous, uncomfortable, or insecure.
These same men fantasize about sexual fantasy women who dress sexy and are outwardly sexual – but of course, his own woman isn’t like that – she’s a sweet “Madonna”.
And if his woman’s social-sexual value rises, well then that’s a threat, because if she’s attractive to other men, he might have some competition or might not feel worthy of a high value woman.
Most guys however aren’t even conscious of their insecurity. We’ve all seen when men who don’t let their wives dress up. But most guys hold their woman’s social-sexual value back in a more passive way.
For instance, the man allows his woman to eat anything she wants and doesn’t make her do any sort of exercise.
Or, he simply doesn’t take her out so that she has no reason to ever display herself sexually.
Or he tells her that buying clothes or makeup is a waste of money.
Many guys will even lower their own social-sexual value to lower their woman’s. They start dressing down themselves, don’t take the time to groom themselves, or get fat. And in an attempt to match the social-sexual value of her man, the woman follows his habits.
In fact a lot of relationships follow this progression – during courtship, the woman dresses sexy and stays fit and in physical shape. As the relationship progresses however, the man passively allows her to get out of shape, doesn’t take her out to social events, and doesn’t encourage her to wear sexy clothes.
And pretty soon, the man loses interest in his woman sexually. At the same time, when the woman doesn’t look sexy on the exterior, she doesn’t feel sexy on the interior. She no longer feels like a sexual woman. Rather, she starts to feel like an old woman. She wants passionate, rip-the-sheets sex, but she feels undesirable and inhibited. A woman dressed down and eating bon-bons isn’t going to be enthusiastic to striptease for her man or act out wild sexual fantasies.
On the other hand, a woman enthusiastically encouraged by her man to show off her sexuality outwardly to the world will be enthusiastically eager to reveal her inward sexuality to him.
A woman who looks sexy on the outside is going to feel sexy on the inside and is going to want to BE sexy in the bedroom and be highly suggestible to your commands while she’s in a Blissnotic state.
That means having your woman wear high-heels when she goes out, encouraging her to wear makeup, encouraging her to get her hair and nails done, getting her a belly ring, and going to specialty stores and finding sexy clothes for her.
This also means working with your woman on a proper nutritional program and exercise, having her do cardio in the morning before she eats and a basic weight training program. Even if your woman doesn’t exercise now, she’ll feel enthusiastic about it if you yourself take active interest in her health and appearance.
In addition, taking salsa classes or swing dancing classes with your woman and going out once a week in public to dance where she can display her body, her clothes, her style, and her moves, will make her feel attractive and drive her to follow through on the new changes.
But the philosophy I really encourage is one of MUTUAL social-sexual value escalation.
In other words, recruit your woman to help YOU with your clothes, your grooming, your body language, your posture, and your physical fitness. A man well dressed and well groomed has a higher social-sexual value than a guy wearing a stained t-shirt and flip-flops. A man who stands straight and tall with a flat stomach and has some muscle on his arms is going to have a higher social-sexual value than a guy who doesn’t take care of himself. And if you ask your woman to actively help YOU, she’ll be more receptive to the suggestions that you give her. Ideally, you want to be working mutually TOGETHER with your woman and encouraging each other, yet recognizing that you won’t always be equal in social value, but sticking with each other through the journey.
And when your woman is peacocked outside the bedroom, you’ll be able to easily peacock her INSIDE the bedroom, with sexy lingerie, stilettos, and sex toys and lead her through all the juicy fantasies you can think of.
HOT ADULT FILMS THE LADIES WILL LIKE TOO
Adult films are like a Blissnosis session all unto themselves. Adult films put the women into a sexual (and therefore highly suggestible) state, and then lead her through a sexual fantasy that pushes her boundaries into new sexual experiences and sexual techniques.
For instance, if you're women is adverse to giving oral blow jobs, through adult films she can watch other women perform oral on men. By living vicariously through these sexual women on film, enacting the fantasy inside her own mind, and all in the comfort of her home, she'll let the taboo of oral sex slip away.
Also, just watching others do something makes it acceptable. Adult films are like positive social proof for your woman - if you want your woman to wear fetish clothes to a club, bring her to a fetish party so she can see that other women do the same. If you want your woman to get breast implants, have her make friends with other women who have breast implants. And if you want your woman to perform oral sex, have her watch other women give oral sex. Likewise, if you want your woman to be with other women, have her watch other women be with other women.
Since adult films can be such a great Blissnosis teaching tool, you want to establish with your woman that watching porn is natural thing, right from the beginning of the relationship. Within the first month after sex you should be watching a movie with her or emailing back and forth explicit pictures.
If you have a computer, keep some movies on your desktop where she'll be able to find them easily. If she says, "I found some videos on your computer," tell her, "yeah... did you see the one with the Persian girl? That one in particular is my favorite." If a woman asks if you have porn on your computer, tell her "Yes." Then bend her over into a submissive position and dry hump her. Don't make any apologies for your sexual desires as a man, and that includes watching naked women on film.
Of course, if you are already well established into your relationship and you suddenly introduce the idea of watching adult films, your woman may feel threatened. She may see adult films as sexual competition rather than as a way to expand her sexuality.
That's why it's best to introduce your woman to "woman friendly" films first. Watching a white chick getting triple-hole banged by three black guys behind a dumpster can come later. You want to start off with films that are fun to watch regardless of the sex and that she'll feel comfortable with, and yet hardcore films that will make her sexually excited.
TATIANA
First on your list should be the film trilogy Tatiana.
That's right, Tatiana is actually a trilogy of three films that tell the life of beautiful peasant girl Tatiana's epic journey back to a romanticized 1830s French countryside, as she has sex with princes, prostitutes, and even her own enemies in a quest to avenge her sister.
All the inter-character dialogue is in French, but there's a narration in English with a sexy European accent so that you know what's going on. And like a good soap opera, shot in front of old European Castles and inside of grand European chateaus, you actually care about the characters and what will happen to them.
On a purely visual level, the costumes and settings of Tatiana are lavish and beautiful, and all the women give great sexual performances with enthusiasm and a smile on their faces. And that's what you want your woman to get out of an adult film - that the women in the film enjoy being sexual creatures and that sex is natural and fun.
The sex scenes are varied and action packed as well, ranging from one French peasant woman taking on six guys, high-class French prostitutes serving clients, two princesses screwing the gardener, the maids having sex with the king, the queen getting serviced by her carriage men... well, you get the idea. In Tatiana's world, romanticized characters have sex for fun and pleasure at the drop of a dime, and it's all beautiful and natural.
In short, this trilogy of movies is perfect to watch with your to make her sexually liberal in general. The film is beautiful, hot, sexy, andmost importantly, fun to watch for the story and characters too.
PIRATES
Riding on the box-office coattails of the wildly successful Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates is a high-budget triple-x adult film that the ladies will like... I've even seen a rated-R version in Blockbuster.
Although some of the acting in Pirates is porno-cliche bad, the film's stories and characters actually holds more or less together. The shining star of the film is the nitwitted Captain Edward Reynolds (played by Evan Stone) who talks a lot about himself as a fearless pirate hunter, but in reality has doubts about himself and has never been in an actual fight.
The pirate hunting Captain is also completely oblivious that his beautiful first mate, the nymphomaniac "Jules" (played by Jesse Jane) sleeps with entire the crew of the ship - Captain Reynolds simply attributes all the orgasmic screaming he hears on the lower decks as praises to God "in what must be Bible Study".
In his search for pirates, Captain Reynolds lands on an island where he is seduced by two young and beautiful prostitutes. One of the heroines of the movie meanwhile is kidnapped by a bunch of pirates and seduced into having sex with another woman.
Pirates is a particularly good flick if you want to open your woman up to girl-on-girl sex and bisexuality. At the end of the film, one of the heroines confesses to her love that she slept with two women, and liked it. To her surprise, her man is ecstatic. Strangely enough, it's a sweet and romantic ending and you find yourself feeling all warm and fuzzy inside that the woman is going to bring her man some girl-on-girl threesome action in the near future.
The costumes are great, the lighting and colors super sexy, the special effects and story good for an adult film, the actors beautiful, and the sex is downright hot and passionate. Pirates is a great starter adult chick-flick for you to sit down and watch with your woman.
For instance, if you're women is adverse to giving oral blow jobs, through adult films she can watch other women perform oral on men. By living vicariously through these sexual women on film, enacting the fantasy inside her own mind, and all in the comfort of her home, she'll let the taboo of oral sex slip away.
Also, just watching others do something makes it acceptable. Adult films are like positive social proof for your woman - if you want your woman to wear fetish clothes to a club, bring her to a fetish party so she can see that other women do the same. If you want your woman to get breast implants, have her make friends with other women who have breast implants. And if you want your woman to perform oral sex, have her watch other women give oral sex. Likewise, if you want your woman to be with other women, have her watch other women be with other women.
Since adult films can be such a great Blissnosis teaching tool, you want to establish with your woman that watching porn is natural thing, right from the beginning of the relationship. Within the first month after sex you should be watching a movie with her or emailing back and forth explicit pictures.
If you have a computer, keep some movies on your desktop where she'll be able to find them easily. If she says, "I found some videos on your computer," tell her, "yeah... did you see the one with the Persian girl? That one in particular is my favorite." If a woman asks if you have porn on your computer, tell her "Yes." Then bend her over into a submissive position and dry hump her. Don't make any apologies for your sexual desires as a man, and that includes watching naked women on film.
Of course, if you are already well established into your relationship and you suddenly introduce the idea of watching adult films, your woman may feel threatened. She may see adult films as sexual competition rather than as a way to expand her sexuality.
That's why it's best to introduce your woman to "woman friendly" films first. Watching a white chick getting triple-hole banged by three black guys behind a dumpster can come later. You want to start off with films that are fun to watch regardless of the sex and that she'll feel comfortable with, and yet hardcore films that will make her sexually excited.
TATIANA
First on your list should be the film trilogy Tatiana.
That's right, Tatiana is actually a trilogy of three films that tell the life of beautiful peasant girl Tatiana's epic journey back to a romanticized 1830s French countryside, as she has sex with princes, prostitutes, and even her own enemies in a quest to avenge her sister.
All the inter-character dialogue is in French, but there's a narration in English with a sexy European accent so that you know what's going on. And like a good soap opera, shot in front of old European Castles and inside of grand European chateaus, you actually care about the characters and what will happen to them.
On a purely visual level, the costumes and settings of Tatiana are lavish and beautiful, and all the women give great sexual performances with enthusiasm and a smile on their faces. And that's what you want your woman to get out of an adult film - that the women in the film enjoy being sexual creatures and that sex is natural and fun.
The sex scenes are varied and action packed as well, ranging from one French peasant woman taking on six guys, high-class French prostitutes serving clients, two princesses screwing the gardener, the maids having sex with the king, the queen getting serviced by her carriage men... well, you get the idea. In Tatiana's world, romanticized characters have sex for fun and pleasure at the drop of a dime, and it's all beautiful and natural.
In short, this trilogy of movies is perfect to watch with your to make her sexually liberal in general. The film is beautiful, hot, sexy, andmost importantly, fun to watch for the story and characters too.
PIRATES
Riding on the box-office coattails of the wildly successful Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates is a high-budget triple-x adult film that the ladies will like... I've even seen a rated-R version in Blockbuster.
Although some of the acting in Pirates is porno-cliche bad, the film's stories and characters actually holds more or less together. The shining star of the film is the nitwitted Captain Edward Reynolds (played by Evan Stone) who talks a lot about himself as a fearless pirate hunter, but in reality has doubts about himself and has never been in an actual fight.
The pirate hunting Captain is also completely oblivious that his beautiful first mate, the nymphomaniac "Jules" (played by Jesse Jane) sleeps with entire the crew of the ship - Captain Reynolds simply attributes all the orgasmic screaming he hears on the lower decks as praises to God "in what must be Bible Study".
In his search for pirates, Captain Reynolds lands on an island where he is seduced by two young and beautiful prostitutes. One of the heroines of the movie meanwhile is kidnapped by a bunch of pirates and seduced into having sex with another woman.
Pirates is a particularly good flick if you want to open your woman up to girl-on-girl sex and bisexuality. At the end of the film, one of the heroines confesses to her love that she slept with two women, and liked it. To her surprise, her man is ecstatic. Strangely enough, it's a sweet and romantic ending and you find yourself feeling all warm and fuzzy inside that the woman is going to bring her man some girl-on-girl threesome action in the near future.
The costumes are great, the lighting and colors super sexy, the special effects and story good for an adult film, the actors beautiful, and the sex is downright hot and passionate. Pirates is a great starter adult chick-flick for you to sit down and watch with your woman.
THE ART OF BREAKING THE ICE
Ok, remember in some of my past newsletters I've told you that there are no magic bullets - there are no amazing pick-up lines that will get you the girl?
Good. I mean it. I really do.
Now let's work on those lines.
Seriously, WHAT you say isn't half as important as HOW you say it. Still, it can only help if you are PREPARED.
When you first start working on your flirting, unless you are Joe Cool, you are going to get NERVOUS. That's alright, it's just a fact.
Even the best sometimes get nervous in front of a beautiful woman.
The difference between the best and the rest, though, is a man in control knows how to, you guessed it, CONTROL his nerves.
That takes practice, scores of rejections, hundreds of dates... and even then you'll feel the nerves kick in now and again.
THAT'S why we are going to work on some lines. It's not the words that are key, it's the RELAXED CONFIDENCE that comes from knowing you have some good things to say. Knowing that if you're stuck, you've got an out. If you're nervous enough to froth a cappuccino with your touch, you've got a witty something that will escape your brain lock, get her laughing, and get you relaxed.
Plus, funny as you might become, not everyone can riff like Conan O'Brien. And even HE has prepared material.
So, what sort of thing do you want to say to a woman? What are the emotions that you want to get her feeling?
Think about it. Write down your thoughts. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Done it? NO?!! Look, I know this stuff, this is for YOU, and you aren't getting ANYWHERE without some effort. Screw "I'll do it in my head," there is something much more permanent and lasting about a thought committed to paper.
And I'm not just talking about having it on paper. When I was in school, I found that something I took notes on I remembered - without needing the notes afterwards - while things I planned to "just remember" always got forgotten. That extra effort now makes a big difference later.
So if you're serious about improving your game, then get a pencil, because you've got WORK to do in this newsletter.
Don't worry. The pay is great.
Now, I'll wait one more time, write down what you think a woman WANTS to feel, what feeling will create ATTRACTION in her.
If you're a regular reader of this newsletter and not a lazy sloth, you've probably got something about humor on your list. Why?
Laughter feels GOOD. It shoots seratonin all over your head. It's a complex reaction - as near as we can tell, only humans laugh - and it integrates many parts of the brain. It also RELAXES people and allows them to relax their GUARD.
There is a reason laughter can be called DISARMING. There's a reason it's often a reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and that we have dark or gallows humor. Laughter is a RELEASE.
If you get a girl laughing, you make her feel better than she did a moment before. Her world gets sunnier, her defenses descend a smidge (at a time), and she associates that good feeling with YOU.
That's a powerful combo.
But it doesn't end there.
I was always a funny guy, but before I figured things out I WASN'T good at attracting women with it. Oh, women LIKED me, they just weren't ATTRACTED to me.
My humor had two problems that we need to stay away from: one, I was sometimes TOO funny, too GOOFY, and that's death. Two, I used my humor in such a disarming way that all the tension in conversations was gone. Everyone was happy, relaxed, and completely devoid of that magical TENSION that sexual emotions thrive on.
It was very frustrating. I can feel a lot of nodding heads out there; you aren't alone.
So I had to come up with a way to keep the tension IN, and USE THAT in my humor.
One day, after enough trial and error, I realized you need some ARROGANCE in there. If you have just the right amount of alphaness it changes your humor from DEFLATING a balloon of tension to something that PUMPS IT UP even more.
When the balloon is ready to explode, look out. You've got a wild woman on your hands.
A GREAT way to let that arrogance come out is gentle mocking of whomever you're talking to - or even anyone nearby, although ironically you are at greater risk of looking like a jerk by mocking people nearby than if you OPENLY TEASE the girl you're talking to.
Also, you can't be afraid to use SEXUAL humor. Most guys are scared of it because, done wrong, you look sleazy - and most of us have made some errors of judgment in our drunker moments.
But done right, sexual humor increases sexual TENSION exponentially, and makes you look like a confident, experienced stud. The biggest key is making it funny and natural. We're not looking for crude, we're looking for sophistication.
Ok, enough theory, how about an example.
Say you're at a bar, and a woman walks in wearing a dress that's only over one shoulder, flowing, it almost looks like a toga.
Maybe you say "All you need now is a blindfold and a scale, and you could get away with that dress." She'll be surprised, maybe even shocked - most men don't talk that way to her, bonus for you, you're separated from the pack already - but if she's got any humor in her, she'll dissolve into a smile or laughter.
As the interaction continues and if you're both still playing with your opener, you might follow up with "Wow, I barely know you, and already you're bringing blindfolds into the relationship? You are a kinky one. I'm sorry, this just isn't working out, you move too fast for me. After all, I'm more than just a sex toy. I need someone who loves me for me, not just my astounding physique." (This is even better when you obviously DON'T have an astounding physique.)
At this point, she'll be enjoying herself, you'll be making her laugh, you'll stand out from the crowd, and you'll be building the sexual tension to an incredible degree.
Or say you see a knockout, you're talking for a bit, you get her smiling, and then you ask "So what's it like?"
Her: What's what like?
You: Well, being a beautiful women, you must be able to get all the guys to do whatever you want. What's that like?
You: (after a shocked pause or a knowing smile, depending on the girl) And what's it like being with me, knowing that won't work?
I've personally used that one to great affect - it becomes a funny topic for the rest of the evening. Sometimes I send the woman out on missions to get other guys to buy drinks to give to me! It blows my mind that these guys can see this all happening and they'll still buy the drinks, thinking somehow that's impressive.
It's not. Relaxed confidence is impressive. As is wit.
Later in the night she might be beaming at you after you've said something arrogant and playful, and you deadpan with a serious face "You love me." Or "I hate you." Or "You're not one of those stalker ex-girlfriends, are you?"
Are you feelin' this? Good.
Get that pen out. It's sweatin' time.
I want you to think of five places where you see lots of women. Create a page for each place - if you are keeping an attraction journal, give each one a page.
Now, brainstorm cocky funny things you can say in each situation. Try to come up with five each. Play with them. Take them out for test drives. Get the delivery right - say these sort of things incorrectly and you could sound like a prick. Say them right, and you sound like a stud.
Get a stable of remarks that you feel comfortable with, and that you know will get a good response most of the time. Perfect them. Make sure you refine your list with responses to comebacks that sharp women will throw at you.
When you're comfortable with them and can use them to good affect, add more. Your list should keep growing, until one day you outgrow it. With enough practice, you won't need to think of witty things to say, you will simply BE a wittier person.
REMEMBER though, it isn't the words as much as the delivery. The right words can help your delivery, and having a ready list can help your confidence. But it's HOW you say it that matters.
One of my favorite ex-girlfriends I met at a party without ANY words - we had a playful drama using nothing but facial expressions while I waited to use the bathroom across the room. She couldn't wait to give me her info.
It's HOW you say it. Sorry to repeat myself, but that is really the key to it all.
Good. I mean it. I really do.
Now let's work on those lines.
Seriously, WHAT you say isn't half as important as HOW you say it. Still, it can only help if you are PREPARED.
When you first start working on your flirting, unless you are Joe Cool, you are going to get NERVOUS. That's alright, it's just a fact.
Even the best sometimes get nervous in front of a beautiful woman.
The difference between the best and the rest, though, is a man in control knows how to, you guessed it, CONTROL his nerves.
That takes practice, scores of rejections, hundreds of dates... and even then you'll feel the nerves kick in now and again.
THAT'S why we are going to work on some lines. It's not the words that are key, it's the RELAXED CONFIDENCE that comes from knowing you have some good things to say. Knowing that if you're stuck, you've got an out. If you're nervous enough to froth a cappuccino with your touch, you've got a witty something that will escape your brain lock, get her laughing, and get you relaxed.
Plus, funny as you might become, not everyone can riff like Conan O'Brien. And even HE has prepared material.
So, what sort of thing do you want to say to a woman? What are the emotions that you want to get her feeling?
Think about it. Write down your thoughts. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Done it? NO?!! Look, I know this stuff, this is for YOU, and you aren't getting ANYWHERE without some effort. Screw "I'll do it in my head," there is something much more permanent and lasting about a thought committed to paper.
And I'm not just talking about having it on paper. When I was in school, I found that something I took notes on I remembered - without needing the notes afterwards - while things I planned to "just remember" always got forgotten. That extra effort now makes a big difference later.
So if you're serious about improving your game, then get a pencil, because you've got WORK to do in this newsletter.
Don't worry. The pay is great.
Now, I'll wait one more time, write down what you think a woman WANTS to feel, what feeling will create ATTRACTION in her.
If you're a regular reader of this newsletter and not a lazy sloth, you've probably got something about humor on your list. Why?
Laughter feels GOOD. It shoots seratonin all over your head. It's a complex reaction - as near as we can tell, only humans laugh - and it integrates many parts of the brain. It also RELAXES people and allows them to relax their GUARD.
There is a reason laughter can be called DISARMING. There's a reason it's often a reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and that we have dark or gallows humor. Laughter is a RELEASE.
If you get a girl laughing, you make her feel better than she did a moment before. Her world gets sunnier, her defenses descend a smidge (at a time), and she associates that good feeling with YOU.
That's a powerful combo.
But it doesn't end there.
I was always a funny guy, but before I figured things out I WASN'T good at attracting women with it. Oh, women LIKED me, they just weren't ATTRACTED to me.
My humor had two problems that we need to stay away from: one, I was sometimes TOO funny, too GOOFY, and that's death. Two, I used my humor in such a disarming way that all the tension in conversations was gone. Everyone was happy, relaxed, and completely devoid of that magical TENSION that sexual emotions thrive on.
It was very frustrating. I can feel a lot of nodding heads out there; you aren't alone.
So I had to come up with a way to keep the tension IN, and USE THAT in my humor.
One day, after enough trial and error, I realized you need some ARROGANCE in there. If you have just the right amount of alphaness it changes your humor from DEFLATING a balloon of tension to something that PUMPS IT UP even more.
When the balloon is ready to explode, look out. You've got a wild woman on your hands.
A GREAT way to let that arrogance come out is gentle mocking of whomever you're talking to - or even anyone nearby, although ironically you are at greater risk of looking like a jerk by mocking people nearby than if you OPENLY TEASE the girl you're talking to.
Also, you can't be afraid to use SEXUAL humor. Most guys are scared of it because, done wrong, you look sleazy - and most of us have made some errors of judgment in our drunker moments.
But done right, sexual humor increases sexual TENSION exponentially, and makes you look like a confident, experienced stud. The biggest key is making it funny and natural. We're not looking for crude, we're looking for sophistication.
Ok, enough theory, how about an example.
Say you're at a bar, and a woman walks in wearing a dress that's only over one shoulder, flowing, it almost looks like a toga.
Maybe you say "All you need now is a blindfold and a scale, and you could get away with that dress." She'll be surprised, maybe even shocked - most men don't talk that way to her, bonus for you, you're separated from the pack already - but if she's got any humor in her, she'll dissolve into a smile or laughter.
As the interaction continues and if you're both still playing with your opener, you might follow up with "Wow, I barely know you, and already you're bringing blindfolds into the relationship? You are a kinky one. I'm sorry, this just isn't working out, you move too fast for me. After all, I'm more than just a sex toy. I need someone who loves me for me, not just my astounding physique." (This is even better when you obviously DON'T have an astounding physique.)
At this point, she'll be enjoying herself, you'll be making her laugh, you'll stand out from the crowd, and you'll be building the sexual tension to an incredible degree.
Or say you see a knockout, you're talking for a bit, you get her smiling, and then you ask "So what's it like?"
Her: What's what like?
You: Well, being a beautiful women, you must be able to get all the guys to do whatever you want. What's that like?
You: (after a shocked pause or a knowing smile, depending on the girl) And what's it like being with me, knowing that won't work?
I've personally used that one to great affect - it becomes a funny topic for the rest of the evening. Sometimes I send the woman out on missions to get other guys to buy drinks to give to me! It blows my mind that these guys can see this all happening and they'll still buy the drinks, thinking somehow that's impressive.
It's not. Relaxed confidence is impressive. As is wit.
Later in the night she might be beaming at you after you've said something arrogant and playful, and you deadpan with a serious face "You love me." Or "I hate you." Or "You're not one of those stalker ex-girlfriends, are you?"
Are you feelin' this? Good.
Get that pen out. It's sweatin' time.
I want you to think of five places where you see lots of women. Create a page for each place - if you are keeping an attraction journal, give each one a page.
Now, brainstorm cocky funny things you can say in each situation. Try to come up with five each. Play with them. Take them out for test drives. Get the delivery right - say these sort of things incorrectly and you could sound like a prick. Say them right, and you sound like a stud.
Get a stable of remarks that you feel comfortable with, and that you know will get a good response most of the time. Perfect them. Make sure you refine your list with responses to comebacks that sharp women will throw at you.
When you're comfortable with them and can use them to good affect, add more. Your list should keep growing, until one day you outgrow it. With enough practice, you won't need to think of witty things to say, you will simply BE a wittier person.
REMEMBER though, it isn't the words as much as the delivery. The right words can help your delivery, and having a ready list can help your confidence. But it's HOW you say it that matters.
One of my favorite ex-girlfriends I met at a party without ANY words - we had a playful drama using nothing but facial expressions while I waited to use the bathroom across the room. She couldn't wait to give me her info.
It's HOW you say it. Sorry to repeat myself, but that is really the key to it all.
THE MAN OF ACTION IS DOMINANT, NOT DOMINEERING
As a man, you need to be decisive and make decisions.
Become comfortable with being in charge and in command.
If you want to go to the beach that Sunday, tell your woman, “Let’s go to the beach… and have a barbecue! Quick, get ready.”
If she asks you which pair of shoes looks better for the evening, tell her. Have an opinion. Don’t just say to her, “I don’t know… whatever you like better.”
Women often want to just relax knowing that you have taken care of everything. Being decisive means taking the lead and surprising your woman.
On the other hand, if you’re unable to be decisive and take charge, your woman will feel your weakness and take charge for you. She will start telling YOU what to do, nag you, and try to micromanage you.
Taking charge and being decisive however doesn’t mean taking domineering control over your woman however. Taking charge doesn’t mean micromanaging her activities, telling her what to wear all the time, or telling her who she’s allowed to see. It doesn’t mean playing dictator.
You want to be dominant, but not domineering. You want to be strong, and yet sweet.
Nor do you need to create a woman who is subservient. In fact, your woman should not hesitate to offer you her advice based on her experience and feelings.
So do I mean exactly by “take control”?
…taking control does NOT mean being macho.
…taking control does NOT mean belting or popping a woman one when she gets out of line.
…taking control does NOT mean emotionally abusing a woman.
…taking control does NOT mean putting a woman down.
…taking control does NOT mean losing your temper, screaming, or yelling.
And never to become brutal or violent physically or verbally with your woman. Creating a Fascist atmosphere with domineering behavior is interpreted by your woman as a form of weakness, and she’ll come to despise you for it. She will lose all respect for you, and rightfully so, because it’s cruel behavior.
A domineering man is unsure of himself- a domineering man is insecure- a domineering man is not the romantic hero women dream of but a thug who resorts to violence for control because he lacks control from the power of his natural charisma.
So while you rightfully want to avoid the, “I’m a desperate super-nice guy, I-have-to-kiss-her-ass-so-that-hopefully-she-likes-me” behavior, this doesn’t mean you want to make the mistake of being domineering either.
Always demonstrate that you are gentle, sensitive, loving, and caring. Many men make the mistake of believing that being nice means being a pushover. It’s not. You still want to nice and loving to your woman, just not in a placating way, but from the position of taking command and being a man of action.
So you have to take control over the situation without losing control over yourself. You want to be able to be in control of any situation without resorting to any sort of domineering behavior. Being in control and being decisive simply means that you are a man of action, that you have direction, and are comfortable taking control when the moment arises.
Become comfortable with being in charge and in command.
If you want to go to the beach that Sunday, tell your woman, “Let’s go to the beach… and have a barbecue! Quick, get ready.”
If she asks you which pair of shoes looks better for the evening, tell her. Have an opinion. Don’t just say to her, “I don’t know… whatever you like better.”
Women often want to just relax knowing that you have taken care of everything. Being decisive means taking the lead and surprising your woman.
On the other hand, if you’re unable to be decisive and take charge, your woman will feel your weakness and take charge for you. She will start telling YOU what to do, nag you, and try to micromanage you.
Taking charge and being decisive however doesn’t mean taking domineering control over your woman however. Taking charge doesn’t mean micromanaging her activities, telling her what to wear all the time, or telling her who she’s allowed to see. It doesn’t mean playing dictator.
You want to be dominant, but not domineering. You want to be strong, and yet sweet.
Nor do you need to create a woman who is subservient. In fact, your woman should not hesitate to offer you her advice based on her experience and feelings.
So do I mean exactly by “take control”?
…taking control does NOT mean being macho.
…taking control does NOT mean belting or popping a woman one when she gets out of line.
…taking control does NOT mean emotionally abusing a woman.
…taking control does NOT mean putting a woman down.
…taking control does NOT mean losing your temper, screaming, or yelling.
And never to become brutal or violent physically or verbally with your woman. Creating a Fascist atmosphere with domineering behavior is interpreted by your woman as a form of weakness, and she’ll come to despise you for it. She will lose all respect for you, and rightfully so, because it’s cruel behavior.
A domineering man is unsure of himself- a domineering man is insecure- a domineering man is not the romantic hero women dream of but a thug who resorts to violence for control because he lacks control from the power of his natural charisma.
So while you rightfully want to avoid the, “I’m a desperate super-nice guy, I-have-to-kiss-her-ass-so-that-hopefully-she-likes-me” behavior, this doesn’t mean you want to make the mistake of being domineering either.
Always demonstrate that you are gentle, sensitive, loving, and caring. Many men make the mistake of believing that being nice means being a pushover. It’s not. You still want to nice and loving to your woman, just not in a placating way, but from the position of taking command and being a man of action.
So you have to take control over the situation without losing control over yourself. You want to be able to be in control of any situation without resorting to any sort of domineering behavior. Being in control and being decisive simply means that you are a man of action, that you have direction, and are comfortable taking control when the moment arises.
THE EASIEST WAY TO LOSE A WOMAN
How many of you were older brothers? Or how many of you knew guys who were, back in middle or high school?
What was the biggest complaint about the younger kid? If you had a standard relationship, the biggest strain was ALWAYS that your younger sibling hung around too much.
There you were, trying to play video games, and he was always butting in, usually being embarrassing for some unplaced reason. You wanted to go to the movies with your friends, and she wanted to come, and your mom made you take him.
It was so ANNOYING! You had this clinging human that you couldn't get rid of, you couldn't get a MOMENT for YOURSELF!
I mean, why didn't he hang out with his OWN friends? Why couldn't he GET HIS OWN LIFE, and just leave you alone?
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
Many guys make the CRUCIAL error of opening themselves up too soon to new women in their life, ESPECIALLY very attractive and sought-after ones.
You've been there. So have I.
Everything is going great, and one day it's so great you can't help yourself. You feel the NEED to SHARE these strong feelings with the woman. You are so HAPPY you can't contain yourself.
And then it all goes wrong.
Maybe she just seems to cool and slowly lose interest. Maybe she gives you the dreaded friend treatment, or she might even just blow you off completely.
And it doesn't make any sense. Everything was wonderful, and then suddenly it wasn't, and you have NO IDEA WHY.
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
The SECOND you open yourself up like this to a lady, she's thinking "Here we go again." Even if you haven't yet, she's been through this before.
Of course she has. Attractive women have guys crawling all over them every day, and she has to know how to get rid of the rejects quickly. Usually she can tell the weak and self-conscious a mile away, but every once and awhile a guy sneaks past her defenses.
She enjoys her time with him, he seems cool and in control, and then he has to tell her how he FEELS.
Not a trait of the strong confident type. That by itself isn't what does the relationship in, but it's what often FOLLOWS that a girl will avoid like a Roseanne bikini collection.
The guy CHANGES overnight from the confident man she enjoyed her time with, into a needy wussy over-sensitive puddle of spongy goo. Probably at least ONE of these guys in her past turned into a STALKER after she lost attraction and gave him walking papers.
Not to say YOU will - God I hope not - and if you've got a patient lady she may wait to find out which guy shows up the next few times - the confident man she fell for, or a self-help sensitive whiner who isn't happy without constant affirmation.
But you spill the beans too soon, and she'll start thinking of ways out.
This isn't to say you can never express how you feel; there's a time in every relationship when it's appropriate. It's just that most guys skip ahead WAY too early. And it gives the girls the heebie-jeebies.
Just like it would you.
One time I was dating two women, trying to decide which one to have a deeper relationship with, if either. One of them, on our second or third date, crawled between my legs when we got home and begged me to MARRY her. I mean pleaded, cried, everything.
Guess how long it took me to drop her? Whatever you just said, it wasn't that long.
She FREAKED ME OUT and I started thinking about all the ways she must be damaged to be that needy. It's not attractive at all. I went from pitched-tent to frightened turtle in negative 8 seconds.
And you KNOW you'd do the same if someone you barely know said something like that to you.
Start telling a girl too early how much you like her - sometimes even just saying how much you like your TIME together - and the lady has the same reaction.
She goes from snowy-morning pert to steam-bath smooth in the same negative 8.
Not to mention, even if she reacts well to it, the thrill is gone. The mystery is dead, the chase has ended, you've got NO power in the relationship anymore and she knows it.
Like with your kid bro, she might evilly give you little missions just to see what kind of power she has over you, just to get the rush and the giggles out of it.
That is NO way to go through a relationship.
Now if, on the other hand, things are going well and she's starting to want to hear some committal words and you HOLD BACK, the tension and mystery just increases.
I remember one girl I absolutely adored said something shocking to me after a tiff - she said she was very insecure around me because she didn't even know if I liked her at all. And she LOVED that excitement.
Talk about an eye-opener.
I'm not advocating you play with the lady's emotions - at least not much - but I AM saying that it's a LOT better to wait too long than to speak too soon. You retain that sexy control, you have the power in the relationship, and she finds you more attractive that way anyway.
Certainly compared to all the Mr. Rogers clones she's had to avoid all her life.
Plus, it says all the right things about YOU and your time - that you have a fruitful independent life outside her presence, that you like being with her (or else you wouldn't be there) but also that you're ok on your own.
No woman wants to be a mom. She wants to be a LOVER, not a babysitter.
And now, this next part might take some getting used to: it goes against most of what you've ever been taught.
DON'T COMPLIMENT HER.
Oh, the occasional comment is alright, as long as it's sincere and not forced. It's also alright to use as an ice-breaker when meeting ladies - before she knows who you are, the cocky humor has to be very delicately balanced or you come off like an a-hole.
But when a lady I'm seeing is fishing for a compliment, I usually deflect that away in a funny style.
Say you're getting ready to go out and she asks "Do I look fat in this dress?" I will often answer with "I wasn't going to say anything, but..." and get a laugh, a slap on the arm, a free pass on the most dreaded question in datingdom and a turned-on woman.
Take the other route and do the usual cave, saying something like "No, you look great" or "You look great in everything baby." and it sounds like she FORCED you into that answer.
She can control you. She doesn't want to be able to control you. She wants a MAN, dammit!
Again, far enough along you can get away with giving a random real compliment - even in response to a fishing question - if you're independence is strong and what you say sounds - and IS - sincere.
Just don't overdo it.
On a similar line of thinking, DO NOT go out of your way to buy expensive dinners and presents early in the relationship. If your first dinner is at Spago, she's gonna feel like you're reaching to impress her.
Or, worse, that you're trying to buy her.
That's not to say you can't have a first date at Spago, but if you do, it needs to be CLEAR that you were going there anyway, and she's welcome to come along if she likes.
If you go out of your way for her, she'll know it, and she won't like it.
Unless you have millions of dollars to play with. Then it MIGHT work, with certain women.
Otherwise, you'll just come off as someone desperate for her attention that doesn't have anything but gifts to offer. Doesn't make you look like the most attractive puppy in the litter (ironically, puppies that take women to Spago invariably do very well).
So in short, DON'T BLOW YOUR LOAD TOO EARLY.
Of course, to get to the stage of WITHOLDING that inexorable urge to tell the woman everything you feel about her, you have to get the woman first. You can get lucky now and again, or you can slowly learn the mistakes that everyone has to make, you can skip all that by learning the skills from someone who's ALREADY made the mistakes and now knows what to do to get past all the tests women throw at men.
What was the biggest complaint about the younger kid? If you had a standard relationship, the biggest strain was ALWAYS that your younger sibling hung around too much.
There you were, trying to play video games, and he was always butting in, usually being embarrassing for some unplaced reason. You wanted to go to the movies with your friends, and she wanted to come, and your mom made you take him.
It was so ANNOYING! You had this clinging human that you couldn't get rid of, you couldn't get a MOMENT for YOURSELF!
I mean, why didn't he hang out with his OWN friends? Why couldn't he GET HIS OWN LIFE, and just leave you alone?
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
Many guys make the CRUCIAL error of opening themselves up too soon to new women in their life, ESPECIALLY very attractive and sought-after ones.
You've been there. So have I.
Everything is going great, and one day it's so great you can't help yourself. You feel the NEED to SHARE these strong feelings with the woman. You are so HAPPY you can't contain yourself.
And then it all goes wrong.
Maybe she just seems to cool and slowly lose interest. Maybe she gives you the dreaded friend treatment, or she might even just blow you off completely.
And it doesn't make any sense. Everything was wonderful, and then suddenly it wasn't, and you have NO IDEA WHY.
Guess what. You are your younger brother.
The SECOND you open yourself up like this to a lady, she's thinking "Here we go again." Even if you haven't yet, she's been through this before.
Of course she has. Attractive women have guys crawling all over them every day, and she has to know how to get rid of the rejects quickly. Usually she can tell the weak and self-conscious a mile away, but every once and awhile a guy sneaks past her defenses.
She enjoys her time with him, he seems cool and in control, and then he has to tell her how he FEELS.
Not a trait of the strong confident type. That by itself isn't what does the relationship in, but it's what often FOLLOWS that a girl will avoid like a Roseanne bikini collection.
The guy CHANGES overnight from the confident man she enjoyed her time with, into a needy wussy over-sensitive puddle of spongy goo. Probably at least ONE of these guys in her past turned into a STALKER after she lost attraction and gave him walking papers.
Not to say YOU will - God I hope not - and if you've got a patient lady she may wait to find out which guy shows up the next few times - the confident man she fell for, or a self-help sensitive whiner who isn't happy without constant affirmation.
But you spill the beans too soon, and she'll start thinking of ways out.
This isn't to say you can never express how you feel; there's a time in every relationship when it's appropriate. It's just that most guys skip ahead WAY too early. And it gives the girls the heebie-jeebies.
Just like it would you.
One time I was dating two women, trying to decide which one to have a deeper relationship with, if either. One of them, on our second or third date, crawled between my legs when we got home and begged me to MARRY her. I mean pleaded, cried, everything.
Guess how long it took me to drop her? Whatever you just said, it wasn't that long.
She FREAKED ME OUT and I started thinking about all the ways she must be damaged to be that needy. It's not attractive at all. I went from pitched-tent to frightened turtle in negative 8 seconds.
And you KNOW you'd do the same if someone you barely know said something like that to you.
Start telling a girl too early how much you like her - sometimes even just saying how much you like your TIME together - and the lady has the same reaction.
She goes from snowy-morning pert to steam-bath smooth in the same negative 8.
Not to mention, even if she reacts well to it, the thrill is gone. The mystery is dead, the chase has ended, you've got NO power in the relationship anymore and she knows it.
Like with your kid bro, she might evilly give you little missions just to see what kind of power she has over you, just to get the rush and the giggles out of it.
That is NO way to go through a relationship.
Now if, on the other hand, things are going well and she's starting to want to hear some committal words and you HOLD BACK, the tension and mystery just increases.
I remember one girl I absolutely adored said something shocking to me after a tiff - she said she was very insecure around me because she didn't even know if I liked her at all. And she LOVED that excitement.
Talk about an eye-opener.
I'm not advocating you play with the lady's emotions - at least not much - but I AM saying that it's a LOT better to wait too long than to speak too soon. You retain that sexy control, you have the power in the relationship, and she finds you more attractive that way anyway.
Certainly compared to all the Mr. Rogers clones she's had to avoid all her life.
Plus, it says all the right things about YOU and your time - that you have a fruitful independent life outside her presence, that you like being with her (or else you wouldn't be there) but also that you're ok on your own.
No woman wants to be a mom. She wants to be a LOVER, not a babysitter.
And now, this next part might take some getting used to: it goes against most of what you've ever been taught.
DON'T COMPLIMENT HER.
Oh, the occasional comment is alright, as long as it's sincere and not forced. It's also alright to use as an ice-breaker when meeting ladies - before she knows who you are, the cocky humor has to be very delicately balanced or you come off like an a-hole.
But when a lady I'm seeing is fishing for a compliment, I usually deflect that away in a funny style.
Say you're getting ready to go out and she asks "Do I look fat in this dress?" I will often answer with "I wasn't going to say anything, but..." and get a laugh, a slap on the arm, a free pass on the most dreaded question in datingdom and a turned-on woman.
Take the other route and do the usual cave, saying something like "No, you look great" or "You look great in everything baby." and it sounds like she FORCED you into that answer.
She can control you. She doesn't want to be able to control you. She wants a MAN, dammit!
Again, far enough along you can get away with giving a random real compliment - even in response to a fishing question - if you're independence is strong and what you say sounds - and IS - sincere.
Just don't overdo it.
On a similar line of thinking, DO NOT go out of your way to buy expensive dinners and presents early in the relationship. If your first dinner is at Spago, she's gonna feel like you're reaching to impress her.
Or, worse, that you're trying to buy her.
That's not to say you can't have a first date at Spago, but if you do, it needs to be CLEAR that you were going there anyway, and she's welcome to come along if she likes.
If you go out of your way for her, she'll know it, and she won't like it.
Unless you have millions of dollars to play with. Then it MIGHT work, with certain women.
Otherwise, you'll just come off as someone desperate for her attention that doesn't have anything but gifts to offer. Doesn't make you look like the most attractive puppy in the litter (ironically, puppies that take women to Spago invariably do very well).
So in short, DON'T BLOW YOUR LOAD TOO EARLY.
Of course, to get to the stage of WITHOLDING that inexorable urge to tell the woman everything you feel about her, you have to get the woman first. You can get lucky now and again, or you can slowly learn the mistakes that everyone has to make, you can skip all that by learning the skills from someone who's ALREADY made the mistakes and now knows what to do to get past all the tests women throw at men.
OPENING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF WOMEN
you are out, say at a grocery store, and a beautiful woman walks down your aisle. I mean a stunner. The kind of woman who inspires sonnets and starts wars.
And she doesn't notice you. She's just shopping.
You stand there, stunned, scanning your mind for some way to talk to her. You run through all the ways it won't work, how she'll think you're a jerk unless you can say just the perfect thing, but you CAN'T THINK because you're so scared of SCREWING IT UP. You want to do something but you're FROZEN.
And then she's gone. All you got was a clean-up call on aisle 3 so no one slips in your drool.
Sound familiar? It should. It's happened to EVERYONE at one time or another. Even to me.
The fact that it's happened shouldn't embarrass you. But if you keep LETTING it happen, day after day, then you need to do something different. Because that ain't gonna cut it.
Listen, those ladies have very active social lives. And guess what? They met everyone - including their various boyfriends - as a stranger. Ok, sure, your buddy Lucky is dating a 10 that his sister introduced him to. Goody for him.
You can't count on that. Women that are sought-after don't fall into your lap. If you don't get proactive, you have ZERO chance of ever being with someone like that. And if you've got an ADVANCED case of wussy-boy lockjaw, you won't be able to meet ANYONE worth meeting regularly.
You'll have to get used to your only best friend, your hand.
Let me tell you something interesting; most women are approached by men all the time, but many of the MOST beautiful women are LEFT ALONE. That's right, guys are so intimidated by them they class themselves out the competition before it even begins. The 10s in the world are sometimes the loneliest ladies on the planet. They are dying for someone to say something interesting to them.
And you're going to deny them? Because you're scared of negative scenarios you thought up that are A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE than any real encounter between real people? How selfish.
The truth is most women will NOT think you are a jerk just for talking to them. They might not be available to talk - maybe they are in a hurry, maybe they have a jealous boyfriend, maybe their dog just died - but a woman will NOT be offended just because you want to talk.
Oh, she'll know you are trying to pick her up. She'll assume that just by EYE CONTACT when you notice her, or the way you lean in near her, or the way you are suddenly fascinated by the can of peas near where she's standing.
You don't have to approach her for her to assume you're interested, you just have to notice her.
So, the gig is up, your cover is blown by virtue of the fact that you're a man. If you keep your mouth shut, all you're doing is telling her you're a weak wussy-man with balls of jello that Hanz and Franz would like to pummel until you piss jello ball juice the rest of your life.
Though not in so many words.
So what's a jello ball man to do to get balls that shoot lightening whenever they clank and rub their brass bravery together?
For starters, you can stop worrying about all the bad things that you think will happen. They won't. You have to basically TRY if you're going to get slapped, and she's not going to call you out in front of your friends.
About the WORST thing that can happen is she won't be interested in talking and will give you a chill reception.
And that's about TEN times less likely than you getting some sort of positive response. Even if she can't talk or isn't available for whatever reason, she'll probably act sweet or appreciative anyway.
After all, you just paid her the compliment of ATTENTION. And almost everyone loves that.
If, on the other hand, she IS available, and you manage to avoid saying something insulting (trust me, it's not hard to avoid), you are VERY likely to get a positive response.
If you say something INTERESTING, if you are PLAYFUL and RELAXED, then you are almost GUARANTEED to get her info.
But on the first approach, that isn't even necessary. Just avoid saying something like how you want to suck all the milk out of her, and you'll do fine.
I know a guy who goes up to women all the time and delivers some variant of "Hi, I'm practicing talking to attractive women without being nervous... so how did I do?" Usually that piques their interest. Because his nonverbal sexual cues are so good, he gets the numbers of quite a few of them.
Sounds unbelievable, doesn't it? All this time you thought there was a magic key, but the truth is you can say almost anything to start a conversation! More important is HOW you say it, WITHOUT NERVES.
So now we come to homework time. Think about situations where you tend to see attractive women. Now think of various things you can say to start a conversation. Relaxed is best, and if you can mix some playfulness in there, you should be golden.
For instance, back in the grocery store, you can make some comment about the products on the shelves. If you can get a laugh or a smile out of her, get her number or go out on a date with her right there.
It's that easy.
If you can't think of anything funny, you can always ask for advice. Especially if you need a WOMAN'S advice.
For example, say you're in a clothing store and a lovely lady walks by. You can say something like 'Excuse me, but I'm thinking of buying a shirt to go out in this weekend, and I want to look GOOD. Which do you like?"
It's that easy.
In fact, it's much easier than you'd believe. Women will give out their info A LOT more easily than you'd imagine. This is true in basically any situation, save funerals, unless you religiously believe in The Wedding Crashers.
Really, the only thing you need to do is get your confidence up and just TALK TO HER. So this week, go out and talk to 10 girls. Once you've started you'll see how easy it can be and want to talk to more, but consider your first 10 practice, just to get yourself conversing with them in a normal way.
The more relaxed you are the better, so the more women you approach the better you'll become (surprising, isn't it). Have a list of playful openers read to go and memorized to get yourself started.
Of course, getting email and numbers is only the FIRST STEP, and doesn't guarantee you'll get where you want to go.
And she doesn't notice you. She's just shopping.
You stand there, stunned, scanning your mind for some way to talk to her. You run through all the ways it won't work, how she'll think you're a jerk unless you can say just the perfect thing, but you CAN'T THINK because you're so scared of SCREWING IT UP. You want to do something but you're FROZEN.
And then she's gone. All you got was a clean-up call on aisle 3 so no one slips in your drool.
Sound familiar? It should. It's happened to EVERYONE at one time or another. Even to me.
The fact that it's happened shouldn't embarrass you. But if you keep LETTING it happen, day after day, then you need to do something different. Because that ain't gonna cut it.
Listen, those ladies have very active social lives. And guess what? They met everyone - including their various boyfriends - as a stranger. Ok, sure, your buddy Lucky is dating a 10 that his sister introduced him to. Goody for him.
You can't count on that. Women that are sought-after don't fall into your lap. If you don't get proactive, you have ZERO chance of ever being with someone like that. And if you've got an ADVANCED case of wussy-boy lockjaw, you won't be able to meet ANYONE worth meeting regularly.
You'll have to get used to your only best friend, your hand.
Let me tell you something interesting; most women are approached by men all the time, but many of the MOST beautiful women are LEFT ALONE. That's right, guys are so intimidated by them they class themselves out the competition before it even begins. The 10s in the world are sometimes the loneliest ladies on the planet. They are dying for someone to say something interesting to them.
And you're going to deny them? Because you're scared of negative scenarios you thought up that are A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE than any real encounter between real people? How selfish.
The truth is most women will NOT think you are a jerk just for talking to them. They might not be available to talk - maybe they are in a hurry, maybe they have a jealous boyfriend, maybe their dog just died - but a woman will NOT be offended just because you want to talk.
Oh, she'll know you are trying to pick her up. She'll assume that just by EYE CONTACT when you notice her, or the way you lean in near her, or the way you are suddenly fascinated by the can of peas near where she's standing.
You don't have to approach her for her to assume you're interested, you just have to notice her.
So, the gig is up, your cover is blown by virtue of the fact that you're a man. If you keep your mouth shut, all you're doing is telling her you're a weak wussy-man with balls of jello that Hanz and Franz would like to pummel until you piss jello ball juice the rest of your life.
Though not in so many words.
So what's a jello ball man to do to get balls that shoot lightening whenever they clank and rub their brass bravery together?
For starters, you can stop worrying about all the bad things that you think will happen. They won't. You have to basically TRY if you're going to get slapped, and she's not going to call you out in front of your friends.
About the WORST thing that can happen is she won't be interested in talking and will give you a chill reception.
And that's about TEN times less likely than you getting some sort of positive response. Even if she can't talk or isn't available for whatever reason, she'll probably act sweet or appreciative anyway.
After all, you just paid her the compliment of ATTENTION. And almost everyone loves that.
If, on the other hand, she IS available, and you manage to avoid saying something insulting (trust me, it's not hard to avoid), you are VERY likely to get a positive response.
If you say something INTERESTING, if you are PLAYFUL and RELAXED, then you are almost GUARANTEED to get her info.
But on the first approach, that isn't even necessary. Just avoid saying something like how you want to suck all the milk out of her, and you'll do fine.
I know a guy who goes up to women all the time and delivers some variant of "Hi, I'm practicing talking to attractive women without being nervous... so how did I do?" Usually that piques their interest. Because his nonverbal sexual cues are so good, he gets the numbers of quite a few of them.
Sounds unbelievable, doesn't it? All this time you thought there was a magic key, but the truth is you can say almost anything to start a conversation! More important is HOW you say it, WITHOUT NERVES.
So now we come to homework time. Think about situations where you tend to see attractive women. Now think of various things you can say to start a conversation. Relaxed is best, and if you can mix some playfulness in there, you should be golden.
For instance, back in the grocery store, you can make some comment about the products on the shelves. If you can get a laugh or a smile out of her, get her number or go out on a date with her right there.
It's that easy.
If you can't think of anything funny, you can always ask for advice. Especially if you need a WOMAN'S advice.
For example, say you're in a clothing store and a lovely lady walks by. You can say something like 'Excuse me, but I'm thinking of buying a shirt to go out in this weekend, and I want to look GOOD. Which do you like?"
It's that easy.
In fact, it's much easier than you'd believe. Women will give out their info A LOT more easily than you'd imagine. This is true in basically any situation, save funerals, unless you religiously believe in The Wedding Crashers.
Really, the only thing you need to do is get your confidence up and just TALK TO HER. So this week, go out and talk to 10 girls. Once you've started you'll see how easy it can be and want to talk to more, but consider your first 10 practice, just to get yourself conversing with them in a normal way.
The more relaxed you are the better, so the more women you approach the better you'll become (surprising, isn't it). Have a list of playful openers read to go and memorized to get yourself started.
Of course, getting email and numbers is only the FIRST STEP, and doesn't guarantee you'll get where you want to go.
DON'T LET PHYSICAL FLAWS STOP YOU!
You know what I love most about supermodels?
They are INSANE.
Seriously, what else would you call it when one of the world's most beautiful women obsesses about some perceived physical flaw?
That's right, it's so well known it's axiomatic, few people worry more about their appearance than those who have the least to worry about.
Of course, if your butt size was worth $3.5 million in endorsements, you'd worry too.
But that's not the point. These loveliest of ladies have been worrying about their looks since WELL BEFORE their first Guess ad. Before they knew they'd make their money by wearing lingerie. Most beautiful women have worried about their appearance since, well, they got their first mirror.
I have a friend who once dated an absolute knockout, but she was so concerned about her TOES and obsessed in such an annoying way that it contributed to their BREAKUP.
Think about that.
Of course, when your greatest asset is your looks, it's natural to pay it excessive attention, for good and ill.
But that's not the real story. The point is, EVERYONE is self-conscious about something. Sometimes even our GREATEST STRENGTHS.
So now, one time only, take out your hanky and group-hug all the rest of the world in the knowledge that you're not perfect. And you never will be. Even Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise have problems. ESPECIALLY Tom.
The thing is, your problems are not the problem. It's when you are NERVOUS and INSECURE about them that things go wrong.
I know hideously ugly guys who are great with the girls. There are guys who can't tie their own shoes, yet get their pick of ladies. Why?
They have CONFIDENCE. And that, friends, is extremely sexy. In fact, it's probably the most attractive attribute any man can have. It can trump any and every flaw you have.
Ok, take a moment now and think about what personal flaws YOU obsess about. Write them down. Study them.
Now realize that NO ONE cares about them as much as YOU. Except for a few lucky oblivious people, we are always our own worst critics. Not to mention the harshest.
Admit it, you can enter a negative cycle of thinking from any of these flaws faster than Paris Hilton can embarrass herself.
You've probably used them as excuses for past failures.
Not probably, you HAVE used them.
Well, it's time to grow up. Your flaws are not the problem, it is your associated behavior that sabotages you. If you spend your time imagining how a foible will cause you to fail, you've done nothing but prepare yourself for failure.
Listen, women hate weakness. And few things stink of weakness like a guy who can't believe in himself.
There is no quick fix for this, since your BODY LANGUAGE will give away your secret insecurity. Women are MUCH better at reading your gestures, and most of the time we aren't even aware we're using weak body language.
For example, fidgety hands playing with zippers or buttons are a dead giveaway. So is constantly touching your face - in fact, ANY extra movement will be read as nerves.
And in the greatest ironic knife-twist, the more we like a lady, the more our nerves act up.
So what's a guy to do?
I thought you'd never ask.
There are two angles you should come at this problem from, the inner and the outer.
The outer is easier, but much less important. This involves moving slowly and deliberately (but not stiffly). Being able to give a relaxed smile at the right time, not pressing to impress. Holding yourself erect, shoulders back, hips forward, head high. Walking smoothly, having each action look natural and effortless.
Easy to describe, hard to do, right? That's why the inner game is more important. The outer will follow.
What do I mean by the inner game? You need to feel comfortable in different situations, feel comfortable as yourself and believe that you are one hell of a hunk, flaws and all (one more group hug, anyone?)
One way to do this is to actively improve yourself in areas where you feel lacking. Think you're overweight? Hit a gym - you might not have a six-pack, but you'll feel better about your body and things in general. Simply being proactive can change your attitude in a hurry.
Feel illiterate in intellectual waters? Read some books, take a class, do something to improve your confidence.
Of course, not all things can be changed. Unless you've got some cool Disco Stu goldfish-filled platform shoes, a short guy will always be short.
The real key to all of this is remembering that your shortcomings JUST DON'T MATTER AS MUCH AS YOU THINK. It's your nerves that do you in.
Simply knowing that everyone has something they are self-conscious about is the first step. Hell, Tom Cruise is, what, 5'4"? Sean Connery is bald. Everyone is something.
The attractive man JUST DOESN'T CARE. This can take many different forms, and you should experiment to find one that's comfortable for you.
Some guys go with self-deprecating humor to show they're comfortable with it. You can actually turn a perceived weakness into a strength.
Still others are so comfortable with themselves that they don't even think about it, thus avoiding a self-made stumbling block.
Just like every unfortunate birthday victim you've given a toaster to says, it's the THOUGHT that counts. Picture failure, and you fulfill it. Picture success - picture yourself at your best - and you create a confident atmosphere which others will find attractive.
It's homework time. Check out your list from earlier, and now make another list of ways you telegraph that insecurity. If you need to, go out and try talking to five women while thinking about it. Let yourself obsess. It's your last chance (and it's good practice for avoiding attachment to any one woman). Notice how the ladies react.
Now go out and talk to 10 women, while trying some of that self-deprecating humor. It might take more trials as you'll likely have nervous insecure laughter to begin with. You can't do this as compensation for 'shortcomings', and the only way to get past that stage is to PRACTICE.
Try to look at yourself from an objective standpoint. Do this until you can SINCERELY laugh about your 'faults' without letting them concern you. And keep the playful attitude flying high the whole time if you want this to work.
Finally, if you feel like you're comfortable with yourself, try talking to 10 more women without self-conscious thoughts in your mind. If somehow the conversation gets to a sensitive area, see if you can make a natural funny comment, and notice the reaction of the people you're talking to.
During this little exercise, also notice your BODY LANGUAGE. If you feel yourself acting nervy, practice relaxing. Learn to breath deep. Control your motions.
After doing this, you should have a solid understanding of how your own beliefs affect the reactions of those around you. Remember this is YOUR movie, and YOU can control it. Keep the playfulness going, and watch the difference between each group of ladies you've conversed with and teased about their OWN faults (but be funny!)
With enough practice you should be relaxed in your own skin, and ready to show off that shiny relaxed confident attitude that all the most successful people have. Get the attitude, and the rest will follow.
They are INSANE.
Seriously, what else would you call it when one of the world's most beautiful women obsesses about some perceived physical flaw?
That's right, it's so well known it's axiomatic, few people worry more about their appearance than those who have the least to worry about.
Of course, if your butt size was worth $3.5 million in endorsements, you'd worry too.
But that's not the point. These loveliest of ladies have been worrying about their looks since WELL BEFORE their first Guess ad. Before they knew they'd make their money by wearing lingerie. Most beautiful women have worried about their appearance since, well, they got their first mirror.
I have a friend who once dated an absolute knockout, but she was so concerned about her TOES and obsessed in such an annoying way that it contributed to their BREAKUP.
Think about that.
Of course, when your greatest asset is your looks, it's natural to pay it excessive attention, for good and ill.
But that's not the real story. The point is, EVERYONE is self-conscious about something. Sometimes even our GREATEST STRENGTHS.
So now, one time only, take out your hanky and group-hug all the rest of the world in the knowledge that you're not perfect. And you never will be. Even Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise have problems. ESPECIALLY Tom.
The thing is, your problems are not the problem. It's when you are NERVOUS and INSECURE about them that things go wrong.
I know hideously ugly guys who are great with the girls. There are guys who can't tie their own shoes, yet get their pick of ladies. Why?
They have CONFIDENCE. And that, friends, is extremely sexy. In fact, it's probably the most attractive attribute any man can have. It can trump any and every flaw you have.
Ok, take a moment now and think about what personal flaws YOU obsess about. Write them down. Study them.
Now realize that NO ONE cares about them as much as YOU. Except for a few lucky oblivious people, we are always our own worst critics. Not to mention the harshest.
Admit it, you can enter a negative cycle of thinking from any of these flaws faster than Paris Hilton can embarrass herself.
You've probably used them as excuses for past failures.
Not probably, you HAVE used them.
Well, it's time to grow up. Your flaws are not the problem, it is your associated behavior that sabotages you. If you spend your time imagining how a foible will cause you to fail, you've done nothing but prepare yourself for failure.
Listen, women hate weakness. And few things stink of weakness like a guy who can't believe in himself.
There is no quick fix for this, since your BODY LANGUAGE will give away your secret insecurity. Women are MUCH better at reading your gestures, and most of the time we aren't even aware we're using weak body language.
For example, fidgety hands playing with zippers or buttons are a dead giveaway. So is constantly touching your face - in fact, ANY extra movement will be read as nerves.
And in the greatest ironic knife-twist, the more we like a lady, the more our nerves act up.
So what's a guy to do?
I thought you'd never ask.
There are two angles you should come at this problem from, the inner and the outer.
The outer is easier, but much less important. This involves moving slowly and deliberately (but not stiffly). Being able to give a relaxed smile at the right time, not pressing to impress. Holding yourself erect, shoulders back, hips forward, head high. Walking smoothly, having each action look natural and effortless.
Easy to describe, hard to do, right? That's why the inner game is more important. The outer will follow.
What do I mean by the inner game? You need to feel comfortable in different situations, feel comfortable as yourself and believe that you are one hell of a hunk, flaws and all (one more group hug, anyone?)
One way to do this is to actively improve yourself in areas where you feel lacking. Think you're overweight? Hit a gym - you might not have a six-pack, but you'll feel better about your body and things in general. Simply being proactive can change your attitude in a hurry.
Feel illiterate in intellectual waters? Read some books, take a class, do something to improve your confidence.
Of course, not all things can be changed. Unless you've got some cool Disco Stu goldfish-filled platform shoes, a short guy will always be short.
The real key to all of this is remembering that your shortcomings JUST DON'T MATTER AS MUCH AS YOU THINK. It's your nerves that do you in.
Simply knowing that everyone has something they are self-conscious about is the first step. Hell, Tom Cruise is, what, 5'4"? Sean Connery is bald. Everyone is something.
The attractive man JUST DOESN'T CARE. This can take many different forms, and you should experiment to find one that's comfortable for you.
Some guys go with self-deprecating humor to show they're comfortable with it. You can actually turn a perceived weakness into a strength.
Still others are so comfortable with themselves that they don't even think about it, thus avoiding a self-made stumbling block.
Just like every unfortunate birthday victim you've given a toaster to says, it's the THOUGHT that counts. Picture failure, and you fulfill it. Picture success - picture yourself at your best - and you create a confident atmosphere which others will find attractive.
It's homework time. Check out your list from earlier, and now make another list of ways you telegraph that insecurity. If you need to, go out and try talking to five women while thinking about it. Let yourself obsess. It's your last chance (and it's good practice for avoiding attachment to any one woman). Notice how the ladies react.
Now go out and talk to 10 women, while trying some of that self-deprecating humor. It might take more trials as you'll likely have nervous insecure laughter to begin with. You can't do this as compensation for 'shortcomings', and the only way to get past that stage is to PRACTICE.
Try to look at yourself from an objective standpoint. Do this until you can SINCERELY laugh about your 'faults' without letting them concern you. And keep the playful attitude flying high the whole time if you want this to work.
Finally, if you feel like you're comfortable with yourself, try talking to 10 more women without self-conscious thoughts in your mind. If somehow the conversation gets to a sensitive area, see if you can make a natural funny comment, and notice the reaction of the people you're talking to.
During this little exercise, also notice your BODY LANGUAGE. If you feel yourself acting nervy, practice relaxing. Learn to breath deep. Control your motions.
After doing this, you should have a solid understanding of how your own beliefs affect the reactions of those around you. Remember this is YOUR movie, and YOU can control it. Keep the playfulness going, and watch the difference between each group of ladies you've conversed with and teased about their OWN faults (but be funny!)
With enough practice you should be relaxed in your own skin, and ready to show off that shiny relaxed confident attitude that all the most successful people have. Get the attitude, and the rest will follow.
DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET
Do you remember grade school?
C’mon, the dirty knees, possibly a little nap time, the strange recess games?
And, likely, your first crush.
I certainly remember MY first crush. I spent months thinking about her, envisioning doing… well, I didn’t know yet, but pleasurable things with her, maybe even kissing. She was a friend of mine, but I was so consumed by love that she never fell from the perfection of a fantasy.
One day I finally told her how I felt. In a rudimentary love letter I professed undying affection, stars and moons and green clovers, if she wanted them.
The next day, my crush crushed me. And it was two years before I tried again. A year later I even turned down a girl who asked ME out I was so lovelorn and traumatized.
Ah, what I wouldn’t give to slap my young self around.
At least I learned something, something that many men never pick up on, at least in today’s date-phobic world of one-night stands and steady serious relationships. Something so simple, it has it’s own tired trite expression hammered into every English-speaking human’s head.
You can’t put all your eggs in one basket.
I’m not advocating cheating on anyone, or avoiding commitment, or any of the other possible nasty things you could extrapolate from that phrase. I’m merely saying, unless you are in a serious relationship, you need to keep your options open.
Let’s examine that. Pretend I’m me, many years after my first failed attempt at love. I’ve never learned the lessons, and I keep focusing on one woman at a time. What’s wrong with that?
First, I’m cutting myself from all the dozens or hundreds of other women I could be meeting at the same, women that might be even better than the one I’ve targeted. Women I might find myself attracted to, or women that might be attracted to me… they are all thrown out the window.
Chances are, by the time I’ve resolved everything with my current crush, the moment of truth with the scores of other women will have passed. I took myself off the market for, what, a hope? And sadly enough, that hope is rarely realized.
Second, I stagnate. Look, attracting women is a SKILL, and like any skill you need to PRACTICE A LOT before you can get good. Scott Rolen takes more grounders a day than most people take in their life. Every day offensive linemen hit pads more times than you’ll hit the pillow this decade. And Ernest Hemingway wrote more words before breakfast than most college educations demand.
The world often assigns the label “genius” or just “brilliant” when what we really should be celebrating is HARD WORK. PRACTICE. Good old Edison said genius was 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.
Well, attracting women is a similar breakdown, with 10% being uncontrollable things like physical appeal and the other 90% being skills mastered by PRACTICE.
If I fixate on one girl, I’m not going to get much practice in.
Lastly, and most important, THAT FIXATION IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. In fact, YOU WILL SCARE HER AWAY.
That’s why special crushes rarely work out.
Even if, after all I’ve just said, you think you’d feel more comfortable pursuing one lady at a time, YOU CANNOT ACT LIKE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE.
That’s bad territory. That’s stalker territory. That’s I’m-a-desperate-loser-who-needs-you-to-save-me-and-make-me-feel-good territory. That’s about as UNATTRACTIVE as it comes.
Not to mention humans, in general, most want what they can’t have. There’s a reason people play hard-to-get. Because IT WORKS.
Most folks imagine men are messed up because they want the one girl who doesn’t want them.
Don’t worry, men aren’t messed up that way. EVERYONE is. And you know it.
That’s also why most men face the same problem – wanting the women they can’t have, and yet being liked by those they don’t find attractive.
Use those logic lessons. It’s not just a giant coincidence that EVERYONE faces.
No one likes a desperate anything, and when you focus on one girl… you tend to make your feelings real clear. And it feels desperate.
You may THINK you hide it, you can play it cool.
The truth is, even if you are conscious of the whole game, your body language gives away the truth. You can play it as cool as you like, but if you’re fixated on one girl, your body never lies.
She’ll know it.
And she won’t like it.
Maybe you’ve gotten away with it once or twice, maybe you will again, but in general you SABOTAGE yourself by – consciously or not – coming on too strong.
So, now, let’s go back to me, years after my brutal lesson. I’ve learned it. I’m past crushes. WHAT do I do?
“Next.” That’s the key word. When I’m out looking for ladies, I remember that there are thousands in my area, a number of which are looking for someone (and a number of which aren’t), and I KEEP MYSELF OPEN TO THEM ALL.
When I meet a girl I like, she’ll know that I’m interested. I mean, I’m a guy, she’s assumed it before I say a thing.
What I need to LET her know is that I DON’T NEED HER. My life can be perfectly fine without her – I’m going to have a good time no matter who I’m with, because I’m a fun interesting guy.
If it’s with her, great, and if it’s not, that’s fine too.
I figure that, of all the women I meet, maybe 75% will be unavailable for whatever reason – boyfriend, bad breakup, stress in life, things NOT related to me – and I’m ready to move on if any one isn’t working out.
I am always ready to move on. I am always ready to say NEXT.
I’m saying, when you’re dating, you should be open to dating many women.
There’s nothing dishonest about it, unless you make it so.
You don’t need to hide from anyone. In fact, I find most women get MORE attracted to me when they know I’m dating other women simultaneously.
I know. Humans are strange.
But if you think about it a certain way, it makes sense. It tells a woman that not only am I NOT desperate and clingy, but I’m successful and DESIRABLE.
It also activates that primordial COMPETITIVE gene all people have.
One other bonus I’ve discovered is they tend to RESPECT and TRUST you more.
Isn’t that crazy?
Most women assume men are whores who will sleep with anything given half a chance. If you are forthright about dating many women and DON’T TRY TO HIDE ANYTHING, you come off as the hero. The only honest guy they’ve ever met.
THIS is one of the reasons why jerks attract women. They do all this and it becomes a self-sustaining cycle.
The difference between the jerks and you is you don’t have to do it in a mean or cruel way. You can have fun with it. And she’ll LOVE you for it.
The other big bonus goes back to something we talked about before, PRACTICE.
No one knew how to ride a bike at first. Everyone almost crashed a car in the early learning. And we got through that to eventually learn to do both.
But most guys, hit with a rejection or two, abandon a method, or even abandon the concept of approaching women.
They become SCARED of the rejection. It’s only natural. You’re scared of falling off a bike too.
But you can’t take each FAILURE as a PERMANENT way of being. What didn’t work on one woman may work on another. If something CONSISTENTLY fails, you can tinker and discover where the problem is.
And if something that seems to work some of the time fails a couple times, you need to KEEP your CONFIDENCE and get back on the bike. Remember, most times when an approach doesn’t lead to digits or dates, it has nothing to do with you. It’s an issue the girl has.
With that in mind, it takes A LOT of attempts to figure out what works best for you. Better not to even think about getting the girl as your objective. Instead, treat each approach as a chance to learn HOW TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Do that, and you won’t focus too much on any one girl, and you’ll be able to speed your learning curve.
C’mon, the dirty knees, possibly a little nap time, the strange recess games?
And, likely, your first crush.
I certainly remember MY first crush. I spent months thinking about her, envisioning doing… well, I didn’t know yet, but pleasurable things with her, maybe even kissing. She was a friend of mine, but I was so consumed by love that she never fell from the perfection of a fantasy.
One day I finally told her how I felt. In a rudimentary love letter I professed undying affection, stars and moons and green clovers, if she wanted them.
The next day, my crush crushed me. And it was two years before I tried again. A year later I even turned down a girl who asked ME out I was so lovelorn and traumatized.
Ah, what I wouldn’t give to slap my young self around.
At least I learned something, something that many men never pick up on, at least in today’s date-phobic world of one-night stands and steady serious relationships. Something so simple, it has it’s own tired trite expression hammered into every English-speaking human’s head.
You can’t put all your eggs in one basket.
I’m not advocating cheating on anyone, or avoiding commitment, or any of the other possible nasty things you could extrapolate from that phrase. I’m merely saying, unless you are in a serious relationship, you need to keep your options open.
Let’s examine that. Pretend I’m me, many years after my first failed attempt at love. I’ve never learned the lessons, and I keep focusing on one woman at a time. What’s wrong with that?
First, I’m cutting myself from all the dozens or hundreds of other women I could be meeting at the same, women that might be even better than the one I’ve targeted. Women I might find myself attracted to, or women that might be attracted to me… they are all thrown out the window.
Chances are, by the time I’ve resolved everything with my current crush, the moment of truth with the scores of other women will have passed. I took myself off the market for, what, a hope? And sadly enough, that hope is rarely realized.
Second, I stagnate. Look, attracting women is a SKILL, and like any skill you need to PRACTICE A LOT before you can get good. Scott Rolen takes more grounders a day than most people take in their life. Every day offensive linemen hit pads more times than you’ll hit the pillow this decade. And Ernest Hemingway wrote more words before breakfast than most college educations demand.
The world often assigns the label “genius” or just “brilliant” when what we really should be celebrating is HARD WORK. PRACTICE. Good old Edison said genius was 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.
Well, attracting women is a similar breakdown, with 10% being uncontrollable things like physical appeal and the other 90% being skills mastered by PRACTICE.
If I fixate on one girl, I’m not going to get much practice in.
Lastly, and most important, THAT FIXATION IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. In fact, YOU WILL SCARE HER AWAY.
That’s why special crushes rarely work out.
Even if, after all I’ve just said, you think you’d feel more comfortable pursuing one lady at a time, YOU CANNOT ACT LIKE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE.
That’s bad territory. That’s stalker territory. That’s I’m-a-desperate-loser-who-needs-you-to-save-me-and-make-me-feel-good territory. That’s about as UNATTRACTIVE as it comes.
Not to mention humans, in general, most want what they can’t have. There’s a reason people play hard-to-get. Because IT WORKS.
Most folks imagine men are messed up because they want the one girl who doesn’t want them.
Don’t worry, men aren’t messed up that way. EVERYONE is. And you know it.
That’s also why most men face the same problem – wanting the women they can’t have, and yet being liked by those they don’t find attractive.
Use those logic lessons. It’s not just a giant coincidence that EVERYONE faces.
No one likes a desperate anything, and when you focus on one girl… you tend to make your feelings real clear. And it feels desperate.
You may THINK you hide it, you can play it cool.
The truth is, even if you are conscious of the whole game, your body language gives away the truth. You can play it as cool as you like, but if you’re fixated on one girl, your body never lies.
She’ll know it.
And she won’t like it.
Maybe you’ve gotten away with it once or twice, maybe you will again, but in general you SABOTAGE yourself by – consciously or not – coming on too strong.
So, now, let’s go back to me, years after my brutal lesson. I’ve learned it. I’m past crushes. WHAT do I do?
“Next.” That’s the key word. When I’m out looking for ladies, I remember that there are thousands in my area, a number of which are looking for someone (and a number of which aren’t), and I KEEP MYSELF OPEN TO THEM ALL.
When I meet a girl I like, she’ll know that I’m interested. I mean, I’m a guy, she’s assumed it before I say a thing.
What I need to LET her know is that I DON’T NEED HER. My life can be perfectly fine without her – I’m going to have a good time no matter who I’m with, because I’m a fun interesting guy.
If it’s with her, great, and if it’s not, that’s fine too.
I figure that, of all the women I meet, maybe 75% will be unavailable for whatever reason – boyfriend, bad breakup, stress in life, things NOT related to me – and I’m ready to move on if any one isn’t working out.
I am always ready to move on. I am always ready to say NEXT.
I’m saying, when you’re dating, you should be open to dating many women.
There’s nothing dishonest about it, unless you make it so.
You don’t need to hide from anyone. In fact, I find most women get MORE attracted to me when they know I’m dating other women simultaneously.
I know. Humans are strange.
But if you think about it a certain way, it makes sense. It tells a woman that not only am I NOT desperate and clingy, but I’m successful and DESIRABLE.
It also activates that primordial COMPETITIVE gene all people have.
One other bonus I’ve discovered is they tend to RESPECT and TRUST you more.
Isn’t that crazy?
Most women assume men are whores who will sleep with anything given half a chance. If you are forthright about dating many women and DON’T TRY TO HIDE ANYTHING, you come off as the hero. The only honest guy they’ve ever met.
THIS is one of the reasons why jerks attract women. They do all this and it becomes a self-sustaining cycle.
The difference between the jerks and you is you don’t have to do it in a mean or cruel way. You can have fun with it. And she’ll LOVE you for it.
The other big bonus goes back to something we talked about before, PRACTICE.
No one knew how to ride a bike at first. Everyone almost crashed a car in the early learning. And we got through that to eventually learn to do both.
But most guys, hit with a rejection or two, abandon a method, or even abandon the concept of approaching women.
They become SCARED of the rejection. It’s only natural. You’re scared of falling off a bike too.
But you can’t take each FAILURE as a PERMANENT way of being. What didn’t work on one woman may work on another. If something CONSISTENTLY fails, you can tinker and discover where the problem is.
And if something that seems to work some of the time fails a couple times, you need to KEEP your CONFIDENCE and get back on the bike. Remember, most times when an approach doesn’t lead to digits or dates, it has nothing to do with you. It’s an issue the girl has.
With that in mind, it takes A LOT of attempts to figure out what works best for you. Better not to even think about getting the girl as your objective. Instead, treat each approach as a chance to learn HOW TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Do that, and you won’t focus too much on any one girl, and you’ll be able to speed your learning curve.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT
I want you to think for a moment, what turns you on? What makes you horny? What makes you randy baby, yeah!
Chances are, you're thinking to yourself something like "I'm a legs man" or "I like blondes" or something else you wouldn't want your momma to read.
That's alright. It's not that men are dogs, it's that men are VISUAL. For most men, it is what we SEE that initially triggers attraction. It's not the be-all and end-all, but it dominates our first impressions.
Duh, you say? Obvious, you say? Well smart guy, how often do you think about what turns a woman on? You may be fooled by listening to ladies occasionally hooting cute butts or swooning at Antonio Banderas. Don't be.
You've probably heard the phrase "It ain't the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean." Well, it ain't the shape of the gut, it's the way you strut. Women are MUCH more in tune to body language and non-verbal communications, and that's where their buttons are pushed.
Sure, a handsome man with a good body is ATTRACTIVE to women, but he won't necessarily CREATE ATTRACTION.
Attraction is created by style and attitude, by CHARISMA, what women often call CHARM. If you don't look like Brad Pitt, this is good news, because it can be learned.
And just as BODY LANGUAGE trumps BODY SHAPE in attracting women, your VOICE will trump your WORDS.
Lots of guys, when they are trying to learn how to be more successful with women, turn to pick-up lines. Men seem to think the RIGHT WORDS will move a girl's heart.
Maybe it's because we've seen guys get a girl by talking to her. Maybe she changed her attitude after he spoke to her.
Maybe we just can't get the difference between the JOKES we tell and WHAT REALLY WORKS.
If at some point you've thought that pick-up lines were the key to breaking the ice with a woman, you may be forgiven. You should give yourself a number of numbing slaps to the face, but then forgive yourself and let's talk about what DOES work.
It doesn't really matter what words you use - you could have the best pick-up line in the world and, with poor delivery, it will fail.
But if you deliver your words well, it doesn't really matter WHAT you say. "Hello" can be the sexiest word in the language.
Controlling your voice the right way will have a positive affect on MANY aspects of your life, but right now, we care about how it affects women.
There are three keys to speaking in a commanding, confident way that women find sexy and attractive.
The easiest one is volume. Speak LOUDLY.
That doesn't mean you should YELL at a woman. Your volume has to come naturally, from the chest. If you sound strained when you speak you sound, well, STRAINED.
I know, I know, you can thank me later.
Your volume should be the sort of thing that fills a room with your confidence. When you speak quietly, it communicates that you DON'T BELIEVE what you say has WORTH. You're telling women (and anyone else in your teeny hearing radius) that you're a WUSS.
That's the last thing you want someone thinking. Especially an attractive woman. In an instant you'll splash into the NEXT category, and you probably aren't getting out. Once a woman passes, the best thing you can do is move on.
So, don't YELL, don't WHISPER, just speak from your chest in a voice loud enough everyone can hear.
That brings us to the next point; you need to speak clearly. Resonate. Sound picky? Listen.
Think of the dorkiest possible person you can. Pocket protector, coke bottle glasses, nose turned up, OBNOXIOUS laugh... what does that person sound like?
Ok, yes, Erkel. What's Erkel sound like?
Yeah, he speaks through his NOSE. Unless you are British royalty, you aren't getting away with a NASAL voice. It just... well, if you want a little peace and quiet, talk like this and people will run from you like from fingernails on a chalkboard. Speaking of which, avoid squeaking too. High voices... they aren't manly. What, you want her to think your testicles haven't dropped?
There's a reason Barry White is the sexiest singer out there, and it isn't his body. The man can TALK! He can sing too, but it's that deep resonant voice which gets everything going.
The key, again, is to speak from the chest. You want to feel vibrations in your torso, not your nose.
Finally, you want to slow... your... speech... doooowwwwnn.
When-you-are-nervous-or-scared-of-losing-attention-you-speak(breath)fast.You-sound-on-edge-and-unstable-and-READY-TO-LOSE-IT.
Especially if you're speaking loudly. Think Regis. Not sexy.
But... if you take.. yooouuur time... breeeaath deeeeeeply... speak from fuuuuuull luuuuungs... you sound... confident. Even... hypnotic.
Ok, it's freaking annoying to read. But try reading it out loud. Take your time. No rush. You've got ALL the time in the WORLD.
You sound like a man in control of himself. Hell, you BECOME a man in control of himself. The more carefully you consider your words... and slow down your cadence... the more sure of yourself you will ACTUALLY become.
If only because you're LISTENING to YOURSELF for once. It's worth it.
Alright, you've got this negative nag in the back of your head. I know you do. It's saying something like "My voice is my voice. Barry White is sexy, great, but I can't do that."
It's fine. We all have the nag sometimes.
Now is the time when you go Fight Club on his ass and shoot your nag in the head.
Yes, your voice is your voice. And your bicep is your bicep.
Just as you can change your bicep with exercise, you can do the same with your voice.
The biggest key is PAYING ATTENTION to what you're doing, and WHAT YOU WANT to be doing. Get a recorder. Listen to your voice (and don't worry, we all hate our own voices).
Then remember how you want to sound, think about what you want to CHANGE. Work on it.
The simple act of PAYING ATTENTION will slow your speaking down, which is great. You'll sound more deliberate and in-control just by listening to yourself.
Watching your BREATHING is another great key. Not only will you be one step closer to Buddhahood, you also will avoid RUSHED or WINDED deliveries. Breath deeply and you'll CALM yourself - and you'll KNOW you're calm.
That calm will quickly translate into COOL - someone in control of situations, a leader. An alpha.
The guy girls want to be with.
Do those two simple things - PAY ATTENTION and BREATH - and you'll improve exponentially.
Chances are, you're thinking to yourself something like "I'm a legs man" or "I like blondes" or something else you wouldn't want your momma to read.
That's alright. It's not that men are dogs, it's that men are VISUAL. For most men, it is what we SEE that initially triggers attraction. It's not the be-all and end-all, but it dominates our first impressions.
Duh, you say? Obvious, you say? Well smart guy, how often do you think about what turns a woman on? You may be fooled by listening to ladies occasionally hooting cute butts or swooning at Antonio Banderas. Don't be.
You've probably heard the phrase "It ain't the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean." Well, it ain't the shape of the gut, it's the way you strut. Women are MUCH more in tune to body language and non-verbal communications, and that's where their buttons are pushed.
Sure, a handsome man with a good body is ATTRACTIVE to women, but he won't necessarily CREATE ATTRACTION.
Attraction is created by style and attitude, by CHARISMA, what women often call CHARM. If you don't look like Brad Pitt, this is good news, because it can be learned.
And just as BODY LANGUAGE trumps BODY SHAPE in attracting women, your VOICE will trump your WORDS.
Lots of guys, when they are trying to learn how to be more successful with women, turn to pick-up lines. Men seem to think the RIGHT WORDS will move a girl's heart.
Maybe it's because we've seen guys get a girl by talking to her. Maybe she changed her attitude after he spoke to her.
Maybe we just can't get the difference between the JOKES we tell and WHAT REALLY WORKS.
If at some point you've thought that pick-up lines were the key to breaking the ice with a woman, you may be forgiven. You should give yourself a number of numbing slaps to the face, but then forgive yourself and let's talk about what DOES work.
It doesn't really matter what words you use - you could have the best pick-up line in the world and, with poor delivery, it will fail.
But if you deliver your words well, it doesn't really matter WHAT you say. "Hello" can be the sexiest word in the language.
Controlling your voice the right way will have a positive affect on MANY aspects of your life, but right now, we care about how it affects women.
There are three keys to speaking in a commanding, confident way that women find sexy and attractive.
The easiest one is volume. Speak LOUDLY.
That doesn't mean you should YELL at a woman. Your volume has to come naturally, from the chest. If you sound strained when you speak you sound, well, STRAINED.
I know, I know, you can thank me later.
Your volume should be the sort of thing that fills a room with your confidence. When you speak quietly, it communicates that you DON'T BELIEVE what you say has WORTH. You're telling women (and anyone else in your teeny hearing radius) that you're a WUSS.
That's the last thing you want someone thinking. Especially an attractive woman. In an instant you'll splash into the NEXT category, and you probably aren't getting out. Once a woman passes, the best thing you can do is move on.
So, don't YELL, don't WHISPER, just speak from your chest in a voice loud enough everyone can hear.
That brings us to the next point; you need to speak clearly. Resonate. Sound picky? Listen.
Think of the dorkiest possible person you can. Pocket protector, coke bottle glasses, nose turned up, OBNOXIOUS laugh... what does that person sound like?
Ok, yes, Erkel. What's Erkel sound like?
Yeah, he speaks through his NOSE. Unless you are British royalty, you aren't getting away with a NASAL voice. It just... well, if you want a little peace and quiet, talk like this and people will run from you like from fingernails on a chalkboard. Speaking of which, avoid squeaking too. High voices... they aren't manly. What, you want her to think your testicles haven't dropped?
There's a reason Barry White is the sexiest singer out there, and it isn't his body. The man can TALK! He can sing too, but it's that deep resonant voice which gets everything going.
The key, again, is to speak from the chest. You want to feel vibrations in your torso, not your nose.
Finally, you want to slow... your... speech... doooowwwwnn.
When-you-are-nervous-or-scared-of-losing-attention-you-speak(breath)fast.You-sound-on-edge-and-unstable-and-READY-TO-LOSE-IT.
Especially if you're speaking loudly. Think Regis. Not sexy.
But... if you take.. yooouuur time... breeeaath deeeeeeply... speak from fuuuuuull luuuuungs... you sound... confident. Even... hypnotic.
Ok, it's freaking annoying to read. But try reading it out loud. Take your time. No rush. You've got ALL the time in the WORLD.
You sound like a man in control of himself. Hell, you BECOME a man in control of himself. The more carefully you consider your words... and slow down your cadence... the more sure of yourself you will ACTUALLY become.
If only because you're LISTENING to YOURSELF for once. It's worth it.
Alright, you've got this negative nag in the back of your head. I know you do. It's saying something like "My voice is my voice. Barry White is sexy, great, but I can't do that."
It's fine. We all have the nag sometimes.
Now is the time when you go Fight Club on his ass and shoot your nag in the head.
Yes, your voice is your voice. And your bicep is your bicep.
Just as you can change your bicep with exercise, you can do the same with your voice.
The biggest key is PAYING ATTENTION to what you're doing, and WHAT YOU WANT to be doing. Get a recorder. Listen to your voice (and don't worry, we all hate our own voices).
Then remember how you want to sound, think about what you want to CHANGE. Work on it.
The simple act of PAYING ATTENTION will slow your speaking down, which is great. You'll sound more deliberate and in-control just by listening to yourself.
Watching your BREATHING is another great key. Not only will you be one step closer to Buddhahood, you also will avoid RUSHED or WINDED deliveries. Breath deeply and you'll CALM yourself - and you'll KNOW you're calm.
That calm will quickly translate into COOL - someone in control of situations, a leader. An alpha.
The guy girls want to be with.
Do those two simple things - PAY ATTENTION and BREATH - and you'll improve exponentially.
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