PITFALLS

There are plenty of things beyond AIDS that can get you in trouble in the dating world. Here we'll talk about the biggest dangers, and how you can avoid and/or short circuit them.

Other STDS

Don't forget, of course, that HIV/AIDS is not the only thing you need to worry about. It's by far the most dangerous, but it ain't alone.

Syphilis is another. Luckily, this bad boy is pretty easy to spot - after you contract it, you'll get a burning sensation whenever you piss.

I'm not talking about a "Ah... bit spicy, inn't it?" sensation. I'm talking about a "MY GOD WHO SLICED UP THE INSIDE OF MY DICK AND MADE ME PISS TABASCO AND LIME JUICE EVERYDAY?!!!!" burning. And it'll continue for awhile.

The bad news is, you don't ALWAYS get the burn; sometimes, you'll exist for years without any symptoms. If untreated, syphilis will cause you to go mad and then eventually die. It's not pleasant.

The good news is, regular old antibiotics will take care of it. Even if you contract a symptomless case, odds are good that in the ensuing years you'll take antibiotics for some other regular ailment and spare yourself the Capone fate.

Another major thing to watch out for is gonorrhea. This will usually cause that same burning piss - but not always, and it's more likely to be silent in your body. It works more quickly than syphilis, but again, regular antibiotics will take care of it. You'll likely remain a carrier, so bear that in mind, but you probably won't suffer any ill effects.

If left untreated, gonorrhea will most often result in infertility, but occasional virulent strains will cause death. When women contract the disease, they will MOST OFTEN have no symptoms, so be careful, and damn it.

Of course, both these diseases operate the same way as HIV, so as long as you use that condom you'll be fine.

Herpes

Herpes, however, does not.

Well, herpes can't kill you. That's good. In fact, about the only thing herpes can do is give you painful flare-ups of ugly sores in the affected region.

BUT, there's no cure. Once you've got herpes, you've got it. There are medicines that can contain or control it, but unless you are CONSTANTLY medicated you'll have flare-ups. What's more, gential herpes is the same as oral herpes - so if you've never had a really bad cold sore, be happy. And avoid oral sex with those that do - because herpes has no problem going from mouth to genitalia or vice versa.

In general, if you spot open sores, avoid. Herpes is a real pain in the ass and a major turn-off, not to mention a life-long nuisance. Condoms will help avoid contamination, but because herpes is hardier, they alone won't fully protect you. In fact, unless your partner is actively taking suppressants, there's no guaranteed way to keep yourself clean once you're getting down and dirty.

In general, I see sores - or scars from sores - and I'm out the door. Luckily, when herpes is in a dormant period - no flare-ups - you probably won't get it. Not guaranteed, but you've got a good chance. So just avoid the sores, wear that rubber, and you'll probably be fine.

Cut that Static Cling

Now, there is a greater risk you run with your new-found powers of seduction - what I like to call the Rabbit Risk, after Fatal Attraction.

The woman you don't want to see anymore, but she just won't let go.

The problem is, most of us guys are, at heart, decent people, and we don't enjoy going around stomping on hearts. In fact, most of us avoid it like the plague. Not only do you often feel rotten about yourself, but what a scene! Usually quite ugly and unpleasant.

So what do you do when you've attracted a woman, maybe fooled around, but you want to move on and she just won't let you?

The best solution, of course, is careful screening BEFORE you hook up with a chick. I usually make jokes about her stalking me in the early going and watch her reaction. Most ladies will laugh and defend themselves, but every once in a while you'll get a woman who'll say "No, I'd never do that. But oh-my-god, my last boyfriend, he was like so mean and I wound up burning down his apartment and hanging a teddy bear outside the door with the eyes torn out, it was so funny (crazy jittery laughter)."

RUN MAN RUN. I don't care HOW hot she is, you don't need that kind of shit in your life.

But there are plenty of non-psychos who'll just wear thin from general clinginess.

How You Can Get Out

The key to losing them? OUTCLING.

Everything you've learned here, reverse it. Don't be playful and fun - be sentimental and sappy. Call often - WAY too often, hopefully while she's busy at work - and NEVER be the one to end the conversation. Make her get rid of you.

Time and again.

Never choose what you're doing for your activities - ALWAYS say something like "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Watch her get all pissed off at you, but still make her make the choices.

Talk often about your perfect future together.

Write long sappy odes that go nowhere about your emotions.

Send many emails of the annoying sort, the kind which say things like "I was making coffee and I remembered the time we had coffee, so I wanted to write you. Bye."

Whine about not seeing her more. Don't complain - WHINE LIKE A BABY WITHOUT A TOY.

In short, do all the things that drive you MAD about this kind of woman.

Now be careful here - if you've got yourself involved with some desperate conservative girl who's inexperienced and looking for a husband, she might be into this, and then you're in BIG trouble.

But with almost all women, this kind of behavior is going to be a MAJOR turn-off. She might start letting the machine pick up more often (leave messages like the coffee email), she might stop promptly returning your calls, and then one day she'll say something like "Listen, can we talk? You're a great guy and all, but..."

Bingo. Mission accomplished.

Trust me, if you devote yourself to the wisdom inside these pages, one of these days you'll need this advice. Because you're going to be one hot commodity, and you're not going to have time for all the girls who want to spend their time with you. And some won't get the hint.

Oh, one other pitfall - the How'd I End Up With A Girlfriend? Conundrum.

Keeping it Casual

If you're looking for a girlfriend, hey, no worries. But if you're keeping your options open or trying to play the field or just looking for some fun while coming out of a long relationship, then you might have problems.

ESPECIALLY coming out of a relationship, because unconsciously you're going to behave like you're in a relationship with the next girl, whether you want to be in one or not.

So what's the key? Aside from honesty about your intentions (which is a MUST and will defuse a lot of situations before they get started), you need to watch your contact.

Hey, the girl might be all into the sex friend thing right with you, but if you're seeing her every other day, then she'll switch into relationship mode, even if she doesn't want to.

I find if you keep yourself to once-a-week face time - and two or three short emails/phone calls setting things up - you'll be able to stay in that happy no-strings sex area. Much more than that, and you're creating a HABIT of being together, and habits die hard.

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